practice

The blood sample made it to the clinic and they were able to get the tests they needed! I know this is a very tiny step in the process but I'm relieved regardless. Wednesday we go in for the "practice run" ultrasound where they will take a look at the follicles during this cycle and measure my uterus so they'll have a better idea of what they're doing when we do this for real.

Next week we'll go in again to review the blood test and ultrasound results - both will give us a better idea of what my drug cocktail is going to look like. Again with the scary + exciting. And the best part....this is the start of finals for me! Ugh. I know in the end the finals are meaningless but right now they are causing me some stress. It's hilarious to me how we're supposed to stay de-stressed during the whole IVF process - yeah right! I wonder if I can find room in our budget for weekly massages? :)

better

okay, so that last post was pretty spastic. i'm feeling lots better now after eating a meal, catching up on my blog reading, and taking a much-needed nap. as annoying as the last few days have been, i'm trying to keep perspective and remember how lucky i am that IVF is even an option for us. and in honor of thanksgiving, i am thankful that i can even have my period naturally and that at least we don't have to worry about that part of the process. :)

shipping

So I managed to get my blood drawn this morning and sent off to our clinic - but I am definitely worried that something in this process will go wrong. I was feeling pretty good about everything initially this morning but things kind of went downhill from there. The nurse who drew my blood seemed a bit dim and also used a ridiculously large needle to draw one tiny vial of blood. Then she said it would take 20 minutes for it to clot and be ready to send out, but she didn't actually bring me the box with the vial in it until an hour had gone by.

And then came the fun part - trying to ship something as quickly as possible back to our clinic on the day before Thanksgiving. Turns out UPS and FedEx don't deliver on Thanksgiving, no matter how much you're willing to pay them. We ended up shipping it via USPS Express Mail. The computer said it would arrive at my clinic sometime tomorrow...but then the clerk warned me that the Post Office won't guarantee anything so it's possible it wouldn't get there until Friday. Ugh. So I call my clinic:

Me: I might not be able to overnight the blood to you.
Receptionist: Oh, why?
Me: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
R: Oh.
Me: Do you know how long the ice pack will keep it cold?
R: As long as it stays cold, it will be fine.
Me: Yes, I know. But do you know how long that will be with the ice pack?
R: Let me ask a nurse. [puts me on hold for 5 minutes]
R: Okay, they said it should be fine as long as it stays cold.

So obviously I'm a bit worried about this. Also it cost me $50 to mail it via Express Mail. I am regretting my decision to come out here for Thanksgiving at all. I should have stayed home and just driven to the clinic to have the blood drawn there. Argh.

Oh and to top things off, my husband is annoyed with me because I'm not properly enjoying this "vacation" and he's "sick of having to come up with stories" for his extended family. He is really going to have a great time when I'm actually wacked out on hormones.

box arrived!

The box with the blood kit got here like it was supposed to, mom-in-law intercepted it before nosy aunt could see it - phew! I was really looking forward to explaining the large square box with "human specimen" on the outside. :)

logistics

I am supposed to be on vacation right now. And technically, I am in Myrtle Beach in a giant beach house with family (well, in-laws, haha). My final exams start in less than two weeks so I have been preparing myself to study while here...but I was not planning on having to deal with The IVF Project while we were out here. *sigh*

We are gearing up to get things going right away in the new year. So at our last appointment, our RE instructed me to wait for my next period, at which point I would need a blood work-up on Day 3 and an ultrasound/"test-run" between Days 5-12. And of course I get my period two hours before I board a plane to leave town for a week. Super. So, while waiting for my connecting flight in Atlanta, I had to (1) call my parents to get them to overnight the blood test kit to South Carolina and (2) find a clinic willing to draw my blood.

Now this wouldn't necessarily have to be stressful...but I do not (no, scratch that, DO NOT) want my husband's aunt, uncle, cousins, etc. to know that we are doing IVF or even thinking of getting pregnant. I don't mind telling my friends and people who are close to me, but the extended family in-laws are pretty much the last people I want to be in on everything. Also, they are pretty conservative and judgmental, and I have no idea whether they might judge us for this. Ugh. To clarify, *I* don't mind telling them to mind their own business but I'm pretty sure my husband would crack under pressure.

To top it all off, when I called my RE's office to schedule the ultrasound, I found out he will be out on vacation FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF DECEMBER. Seriously? The entire month? I really really (x100) don't want our whole schedule to get pushed back any further so this development really annoys me. We met with our RE for the first time back in August just to make sure we'd have enough time to get everything set in time for January. Anyhow, I talked them into letting me see one of the other doctors instead so we can still keep the ball rolling. As my mom always says, "it's always something."

the roll-out

I told two more of my friends this week about our plans. The three of us went for coffee after class and I decided it was a good a time as any to tell them. I didn't realize, however, that P would be the first guy I talked to about this (besides the immediate family members). We have been really good friends for over two years now so I don't think something like this is going to "ruin" anything but I could tell it was weird for him.

Although I've realized that for a lot of my friends, it isn't necessarily the IVF part that is shocking - it's the idea that I would even choose to become pregnant at this point in my life. When you're finishing up law school, so many people are hyper-conerned about their future careers that they're just as afraid of getting pregnant now as they were at 17.

It's funny, because this factor has really thrown a wrench in my ability to guess who is going to be a Super Friend (you know, the ones who randomly show up when you're having a hard time to drop off cookies or invite you to a movie) and who is going to fade out of my life a little bit because of all of this. I *know* at least one female friend who is struggling with the whole career/baby conundrum is going to stay away just because it will force her to deal with the conundrum directly.

I'm not necessarily upset about any of this - I know at least some of my friends will be there to help me through this - I just don't know which ones!

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I painted my nails purple this week because it reminds me not to take life too seriously. And I like purple. So there. :)

Veterans' Day

For awhile now, I have been meaning to write a post about my grandpa. He fought and earned a Purple Heart in WWII. Being a veteran was an important part of his identity so I think today would be a great day to write about him.

Specifically, I wanted to write about my grandpa's death. It's funny, but death is what solidified my decision to go forward with this whole IVF business to begin with. My grandma (on my dad's side, who I will write more about in a future post) died last March, and less than six months later, my grandpa (on my mom's side) passed away. Losing both of them, and the time I spent with my family right before and right after their deaths, made me so sure that I wanted to bring life into this world.

My grandpa had a stroke during the early morning on the last Saturday in July. At the time, I was in Wisconsin on a weekend "vacation" with E (my husband). For various reasons, I didn't find out about his stroke until later Saturday afternoon. My mom downplayed things and I assumed he would be fine. The next day, as we started on the 6.5 hour drive back home, my cousin called. And that's when it hit me - Grandpa hadn't just had a stroke, he was actively dying. So after the 6.5 hour drive, I got back in the car and drove 4 more hours to the hospital.

When I got there, Grandpa was still able to communicate (albeit with difficulty) and was fully aware of what had happened. He had a living will, he'd developed pneumonia, the stroke had left him disabled, and he'd decided he was ready to go. So we waited.

Tuesday evening ended up being one of the most amazing nights of my life. I'd meant to leave earlier that day, since it was feasible that he could hold on for weeks. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't say goodbye when I knew it might be the last time. So I stayed.

I spent most of the day sitting in his hospital room with other various family members. My cousins, who still had to go to work, would show up in the evenings. J, who works for FedEx, came straight from his shift in his uniform. He and I were sitting on either side of Grandpa's bed, the Twins game on the TV. At this point, Grandpa slept a lot of the time but had lucid moments in between.

A little while later, I told him that the Twins had hit a homerun. He then proceeded, with long pauses and somewhat labored speech, to talk about a house they had lived in back in Kansas City in the ‘60s. He then said something about my mom, and that was when my aunt explained that when they had lived at that house, there had a been a baseball field across the street, where my mom had played ball with the local boys (and apparently been pretty good).

He woke up for awhile, and said “you kids have been wonderful.” J and I looked at each other – it was the first time he’d started speaking in the past-tense like that. We told him that he had been a great grandpa, our voices seconds from cracking. He seemed to be having trouble breathing, so I asked him if he was comfortable. He said “very.”

I don’t remember exactly how things transpired from there, but soon after it was clear that Grandpa wanted to say goodbye to all of us. His tone was very final and sad, but also content. We each took turns telling him how much we loved him, and that it was okay to let go, that we would be okay and we would take care of Grandma. When my mom bent down to speak with him, he attempted to hug her (which he had not done at all the entire time he’d been hospitalized). He then looked right into my mom’s eyes for what seemed like five full minutes, their eyes full of tears.

So we took turns. Me, two of my cousins, my mom, my aunt, each of us telling him goodbye. My brother was not able to travel there, so I called him to see if there was anything he wanted me to tell Grandpa. “Just that I love him.” So, somehow, I got the words out, my voice cracking, and told Grandpa that I had just talked to my brother and he wanted him to know that he loved him. All Grandpa said was “I know.” It was so perfect, and so very sad.

Eventually someone summoned my grandma, who was at home resting after a very long couple of days. She spent a longtime by his bedside, and we all left the room for a little while so that they could say goodbye. Although their marriage had not been perfect (what marriage is?), they had been married for almost 60 years. She was as ready to let him go as she would ever be, relieved that he would soon be free of his physical discomfort and pain.

We waited by his bedside until he eventually fell asleep. We all felt like he might die that night, as he was clearly saying goodbye to us all. He ended up making it through the night, although his ability to communicate was very minimal the next day. The days passed, he slowly lost the ability to communicate, he slept longer, his breathing more shallow.

I left Wednesday morning, as I needed to return to my job. He was still alive on Friday and I again made the four hour drive. I arrived later that night. He had deteriorated significantly since Wednesday morning. It was hard to see him that way, as he was very much slowly dying before our eyes. He could not speak anymore, and his eyes had grown clouded. I could tell he was aware that I had arrived though, as he turned his head towards me. His eyes were open but I have no idea if he could see me at all. He could hear, so I told him I was there.

He died at about 3am the next morning. Another one of my cousins had spent the night on a rollaway next to him. He stirred before he passed, she woke up, and was holding his hand and talking to him when he died.
This entire time, he had not been alone for even a minute the entire week of his death.
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This whole experience made me realize how important family is to me, and how important it was to me to have known my grandpa. I think a lot of people, especially women, my age think they have “all the time in the world” to have babies and start a family. But you don’t. Nothing is a given.

For me, I knew what I wanted and it no longer made sense to put things off until it became more convenient. Because it would never be, and my parents would just get older, and I want them to be grandparents so badly. I used to think maybe I was crazy for wanting to have kids partially for my parents’ sake, to make them happy. Now I think it just means I truly am ready for this. I wish this was easier but it’s thoughts like this that make me realize it’s worth it.

i <3 our doctors

Today we had our phone appointment with the doctor at the genetics laboratory. It went as well as I think a phone appointment can possibly go. The doctor who runs the lab is one of the people who invented PGD 20 years ago. That alone is amazing and reassuring, but it turns out he is also a kind-hearted personable guy as well. :)

The main reason for the phone appointment was to create a connection with us and also to help reduce any stress we may have about the whole process. I was honest and told him that the PGD part doesn't scare me as much as the whole IVF process.

He had some good advice: (1) Stop worrying about it. Let the doctors worry about it. That's why you pay us and that's why you (should) be trusting us. Stay informed but once you learn what you need to learn, don't obsess about it. Stress is one of the biggest enemies to fertility and one of the few factors we can have an effect on. So relax. (2) Remember the big picture. When the time comes to start the process, don't let it run your life. Remember all the good things you already have in your life and focus on that. (Hopefully) a short time from now, you'll have a baby and those injections will seem like nothing. And finally some husband-specific advice, (3) When she starts the injections, be on your best behavior. And don't underestimate the power of bringing home flowers. (I liked this one!)

The last thing that I thought was really cool, was he asked us to send him a photo of us. I guess when we send them the samples after the embryos have been made, it takes about 18 HOURS to run the tests. This means the doctors work a lot of overtime. So they like to have a photo of each family posted in their lab - to give them motivation and to remind them how important their jobs are.

So yeah, a pretty important phone call. And since we are not doing our cycle until January, I am really going to work on the "stop worrying about it" advice. Starting now - I've got the season finale of Mad Men waiting for me on the DVR. :)

blab

The Husband is out of town tonight so I was on my own for dinner this evening. For some reason, eating alone on weekdays does not bother me one bit, but when it is a Friday night, it just seems wrong to be sitting home alone making yourself a peanut butter sandwich. So I texted my sister-in-law (who was my roommate before she became my sister, so is one of my best friends in the entire world) and ended up going out for dinner with her and my brother-in-law.

And by the end of the meal, I realized that when I am in the company of people who know about our upcoming IVF . . . I cannot NOT talk about it. I can't help it! I must walk around all day subconsciously wishing I had someone to talk to about this, because when I'm around someone who knows, I practically explode with thoughts and information. I've done it the last three times I've seen my mom. And now with my sister and brother-in-law. It makes sense, and I hope they understand, because I would hate to be annoying the most important people in my life.

Guess I need to tell more people or find some internet friends. But the "telling people" part is so tricky. I don't want the whole world to know and be "That Girl Doing IVF" when I walk down the hall at school. Argh. I guess at this rate I'll end up exploding and telling everyone eventually anyhow. *sigh*

blogs & calendars

I've had an awful time trying to find blogs of anyone doing IVF with PGD. many of the infertility blogs are great, but i just wish i could find someone else who is doing this for genetic purposes. i don't know why it matters to me, exactly, but it does. i guess it's just that for me the hardest part about this whole process so far is the loneliness.

they finally posted the schedule for spring classes!! I am really excited to finally be able to start planning but it's hard because I have no idea how the IVF process is going to affect my ability to function as a law student. my theory is that i'll try to spread my classes out over as many days as possible, so if for example, i can't handle it on a Tuesday, then I'll only miss one class (instead of three).

My biggest strategy right now is building relationships with as many classmates as possible, in the hopes that there will be at least one person in each class i take who will be willing to share notes and tape the lectures. the hardest part is knowing when the time is right to drop the "i'm a science experiment" bomb on my friends and professors.

closer

We finally had our second appointment at the clinic. I'm not sure if this is how most clinics do it, but doing IVF with PGD involves an entire team of people. We technically had appointments with our primary doctor at the infertility clinic (MD with reproductive endocrinology specialty) and our genetic counselor, though we also met briefly with the doctor who oversees the lab where the embryos are made and grown.

We are definitely getting closer to our end goal, though it is sometimes easy to lose sight of what that goal truly is. Like right now all I can think about is when we'll get to the point where we're actively trying to do a cycle of IVF. I am really excited about finally starting that part of the process, but also, honestly, really scared. There are so many unknowns that it can be maddening - how much will it cost? How will the hormone drugs affect me? Will I have enough eggs? Will we get enough embryos? Will enough of them be healthy (aka muscular dystrophy-free)?

We were able to discuss with our doctor our concerns about implanting more than one embryo. It's funny, because last time he said we would implant two, like that was a given. But then I told him I was concerned about that, and that based on my research I am a good candidate for a single embryo transfer. And he agreed. And that was it. So he went over the "embryo math" and that is now our plan.

Embryo math: If we were doing typical IVF, and implanting when embryos were two days old, we would have a 50% chance of getting pregnant if we implanted two embryos. BUT..... If we're doing PGD, that means we can't implant until at least day four in the life of the embryo, when it is in the "blastocyst stage." If we're into blastocyst stage, we have a 50% chance of getting pregnant with only one embryo being implanted.

So yeah, the odds seem pretty good that way. The big unknown there is whether we'll have enough disease-free embryos that live to Day Four. Soooooooo many things have to go right for this to work!! Again, maddening. Just gotta remember to be thankful that this technology exists, and that we have the resources to do it, and that we are doing the right thing. I am 27, our odds are overall pretty good, and IT WILL BE WORTH IT.