tortoise

The steady progress continues - we got up at 6am today to drive the 90 minutes to our clinic for another ultrasound. We didn't get the go-ahead for the trigger quite yet, but it was still good news. I have 20+ measurable follicles right now (!), which is where we wanted to be. Since chances are 50% of my eggs will have the "bad gene" for muscular dystrophy, they are pushing things a little harder so that we have enough eggs to work with. And my E2 level almost doubled since Friday. Today was the first time G. accompanied me for follicle monitoring - they even had him keep track of the follicle sizes on a little score sheet. It was nice that he could contribute in some way other than doing my bidding around the house. :)

Other good things today: Two of my friends emailed me today to check on me since I wasn't at the engagement party last night. It meant a lot to me that they missed me and were thinking of me. My friend K. also offered to lend me her Mad Men DVDs, which would be great because my DVR is empty after this week. Oh and my mom brought me some slightly-classier celebrity gossip magazines (People and Entertainment Weekly) - yay!

I'm still anxious to reach retrieval day but know it is best for things to develop slow and healthy. Trying to just keep my eyes on the prize.

s-l-o-w

Today has been hard. Despite the good news yesterday, I'm sick of being stuck on the couch and I'm sick of the shots and I'm sick of worrying. I've tried to focus on other things but it's really hard when I'm too uncomfortable to move around and do anything. I also had to miss an engagement party for one of my really good friends, because I'm just too uncomfortable for "party mode" and it's a small enough party that people would notice me not drinking. Missing the party isn't a big deal in the big picture, but it's hitting home how lonely I've felt today.

Also, I've read at least a dozen magazines in the last two days. My sister-in-law dropped off a bunch of Ok! magazines...all with photos of pseudo-celebrities with their new babies on the cover. There were photos of lots of other celebs and their kids too, and it made me think about how many of those women probably required some sort of ART/infertility treatment. There's no way all of those twins are natural! Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with it, I just wish the world didn't insist on keeping it such a big frickin' secret. My husband said he's just jealous because celebrities have an easier time paying for it and getting time off from work to deal with it. So true!

Anyhow, fingers crossed that we get good news tomorrow morning. I'm SO hoping we get the go-ahead for my trigger. I feel like a bloated incubator and I'm ready to move to the next stage!

more good news

I FINALLY had my first ultrasound since starting the shots (it is currently Stim Day 8). It's been driving me crazy not knowing what is going on in there. Turns out there are around 30 follicle, which kind of explains my discomfort! She measured 11 of them, which I assume means those are the best ones. The largest one was 13.5, which I'm (also) guessing means we are closer to retrieval (they originally projected Monday as the earliest possible retrieval date). Although I have no idea what my RE's parameters are, since I didn't know which questions to ask the last time I had an appointment. Thus, I am desperately trying to find things to occupy my mind while I wait around for my "results message" to show up on their answering system. I also have now idea what my E2 level is, or where they want it to be. So many questions!

However, I am so very thankful that at least for now, things appear to be going well, or at least in staying in the realm of possibility. One of my cycle buddy's received bad news this week, and my heart just breaks for her. I am trying really hard to live in reality while still holding fast to hope, because I know things can change that are beyond my control.

------Update------
Called in to the message system a few minutes ago and found out everything is right where they want it to be. The nurse who left the message said my bloodwork and ultrasound looked "lovely." Ha! No monitoring until Sunday though so the retrieval would now be Tuesday at the earliest. I feel very weird right now since I'm really excited that we are getting closer and everything looks good....but also physically feel like crap. It's to the point now where the only position that is somewhat comfortable is lying completely flat on my back. Can't imagine how bloated and weird I'm going to feel in the coming days.

My random symptom of the day that I was not expecting: I have no appetite right now. Nothing normal sounds appetizing, which means I've eaten take-out almost the entire week. "Healthy" and "take-out" aren't always the best of friends.

we've reached hoodie stage

Even when I am "only" going to class, I am typically one of those people who at least tries to look put together, even when casual. Not today. Couldn't do it. The only clothing that is comfortable right now are sweatpants and a hoodie. Today I managed to put on an old pair of jeans, and then at least changed from my pajama hoodie to one that is appropriate for public viewing. Yup, it's hoodie stage and I have a minimum of five more days until possible retrieval.

I also had my first bout of "I feel like crying for no particular reason." The hardest thing so far, that I was not prepared for, was how much I wouldn't feel like myself. With each day that goes by, I feel less and less normal. On top of that, I am uncomfortable pretty much any time I am sitting upright - which is super-awesome when your "job" is sitting in class for several hours a day. I moved all studying operations from the office to the couch when I'm at home but class is kind of horrible. I told one of my professors today that I am having back problems so she wouldn't think I was being rude when I was slouching and fidgeting. I know this will seem like nothing later on but the tiny annoyances are accumulating pretty fast at this point.

First E2 test tomorrow morning! The fun continues!

honeymoon over

The exhilaration about actually starting this, and successfully injecting myself, is wearing off. I am also starting to have some anxiety about how I am going to get my hcg trigger, since my husband is a tremendous wuss who can't even watch me give myself a sub-q shot. The plan was to have my brother-in-law, who is a doctor, do it. But now he will be out of town right around the time when I might conceivably need the shot. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this conundrum, I'd appreciate it because I am a planner and I don't want to be panicked about this when they give us the go-ahead.

Also, menopur and I do not play nice. The stupid syringes always end up with a giant air bubble that is impossible to tap out (I am also guessing this might be due to something I am doing, but I do not have this issue with any of the other meds). The worst, however, is the burning sensation when it goes in. All three times so far, major ouch.

I am in law school, and up until now, I have been really good at it. Not so much right now. It's possible it is the stress and the gravity of the situation, but I am fairly certain at least one of these meds is screwing with my head. I have zero motivation right now for anything related to school. And zero concentration when I force myself to work.

Syllabus: "Read and review ch.3 and ch. 4."
Me: "Why? Who cares? I am trying to make a baby here!"

I made a list of all the school-related things I should probably accomplish this week. I wrote this list on Saturday. I have at this point accomplished one thing. With that, I will stop blogging and try to cross at least one thing off the list. *sigh*

triple-shot

The first night of injections felt like it went horribly but was essentially successful. We had an awful time figuring out how to prepare the Menopur. There seemed to be something wrong with the syringe I was using; the plunger kept moving without me touching it. And then when we finally got it figured out, it really hurt going in. Then it was time for our first try using the gonal pen, which I was super worried about because I know how expensive that stuff is. Luckily, G had used a similar pen before with clients who are diabetic, so he at least sort of knew what I was supposed to do. Anyhow, why do they make it so complicated?? After the ridiculousness last night, the Lupron this morning seemed SO simple.

On a happier note, we went to the mall last night to buy some necessities - specifically new pj's and some fancy chocolates. :) I typically am not a huge fan of Victoria's Secret but a few years ago, a friend turned me on to their sweatpants. Although I think G is disappointed that all I ever want to buy there are sweatpants - ha! We also stocked up on some fancy chocolates. My idea, based on training my dogs, is to reward myself every evening with chocolate immediately following Shot Time. And you know what? It TOTALLY made me feel better last night to eat chocolate after hurting myself with needles.

So far no major side effects. Mostly I am having trouble with the injection sites themselves, lots of bruising and general achiness. Also think maybe I am getting IVF-brain? (does that happen?) I've had a lot more headaches the last week, and today I am really struggling to focus on anything. I had lunch with a few friends and could barely even follow what they were talking about. I'm also pretty tired but I'm guessing that's the stress.

Hoping the needles are nicer to me tonight!

game on!

Monitoring went fine this morning and we got the go-ahead this afternoon! There is so much more I could say but I've been frantically trying to get all of the non-IVF parts of my life in order since I have no idea how I will be feeling by the weekend. I am also up against a deadline tomorrow to apply for some summer clerkship jobs that would be perfect for me - all at non-profits. They don't pay as much but they pay something, and I would LOVE to feel like I am actually helping people with this expensive legal education. Plus non-profits are almost always much more relaxed working environments and thus much more pregnancy-friendly (fingers crossed!) - I figure either way, I am going to need a non-stressful job by summer time.

one more step forward

So apparently all of my worrying was for nothing. The "game plan" paper they gave to me at our last appointment just confused me and now I feel stupid for worrying so much over the past couple of days. Oh well, I'm just going to move on and be excited that I have my monitoring appointment tomorrow morning. :) They are letting me do the initial appointments at a clinic that is closer to our house and I am so thankful for that. My understanding is that as long as my uterus is suitably empty tomorrow, we will be cleared for take-off with all the wonderful stim drugs starting Friday night. I feel like I need a word for that super-excited/terribly-scared emotion I keep feeling.

tough

I feel kind of bad about venting about my husband yesterday but I guess that's why I have a blog, right? :)

Ugh, today was the toughest day so far. Even though I had lots of other school-related things to keep me busy today, I just couldn't keep my mind off the cycle. The thing causing me the most stress right now is my clinic. They only start stims on Fridays, so if I don't get my period in time for starting this Friday, I have to wait an entire extra week to start. Needless to say, that would suck. I know waiting another week shouldn't really make a difference in the grand scheme of things, but good lord am I ready to start trying to make this baby! Not to mention the extra cost and annoyance of being on Lupron for an extra week. Fingers crossed I get my period soon so we can start the next chapter soon...

the waiting begins

Yesterday I took my last BCP...and now the waiting begins. I knew going into this that a lot of waiting would be involved but now that it's really started, I can see how this will be really hard no matter how prepared I try to be. I'm not frustrated by The Waiting at this point, because I know it will be 100x worse as we get further in, but it does feel rather ominous right now. The sheer number of things I will have no control over is a little overwhelming. I am not typically a very patient person so.....yeah, not really looking forward to this.

Please excuse this venting but I have no other forum to vent that won't later make me feel like a bitch: Why does my husband fail to get anything done around the house on his own?? I *hate* being someone who nags but geez, he doesn't always give me an alternative. Case in point: There is a small piece that needs to be replaced in our kitchen faucet. We have one of those sprayer things and as-is, the water comes out excruciatingly slow - making it even more annoying to do the dishes than it would be otherwise. For THREE WEEKS, he has been saying he knows exactly what is wrong and that he will fix it. So today, the THIRD FULL DAY OFF from work, at 3:30pm, he has still not fixed it. I didn't say anything all weekend because I know the man deserves his rest. Then I made the mistake of asking him to show me what needs to be fixed so I can do it myself...and now he's annoyed with me and on his way to hardware store. *sigh* (don't get me wrong, I love my husband. And most of the time he is really great but things like this drive me insane - and it is really hard not to pull the "i give myself annoying injections every frickin' morning and you can't even do this" card.)

thankful

Day 3 of Lupron-only is already accomplished - and I realized my day can only improve after starting off with an injection. Post-poke, I've been going back to bed for a few minutes of cuddle time with one of my pups and that seems to really help too. (here's the doggy face that cuddles into my lap whenever I need it)



Despite everything, I am feeling very thankful today. So far I have had very minor side effects of the injections, mostly just slight bruising and swelling at the injection sites. Overall though, I realize how lucky we are that our families are helping us pay for this, that my husband has insurance that will at least pay for some of it, and that this technology even exists. I remind myself every day that this will totally be worth it when I don't have to worry about my kids being in wheelchairs or having heart problems at 25 (my brother is 25 and it is so so scary).

I am also thankful that we are doing this while I am in law school, and that my school doesn't care if you go part-time, and how awesome it is that I can take a lighter load and not be stressed out while we are going through this. And I'm thankful for my amazing friends and family. I am SO glad I decided to be totally honest with certain people. I knew I would tell my "sisters" (one of my cousins, who I grew up with, and then my sister-in-law/former-roommate from college) but it was harder to decide to tell some of my law school friends. But I am so glad I did. Them checking in with me every day keeps me grounded, even if it's just "hey, how are you?" in the hallway, but with a look that says it's okay to be honest instead of just saying "great! how are you?"

Mostly today, I am thankful for all that I have in my life already, and not just the possibilities we are now hoping for. I keep hearing more and more about what is going on in Haiti and it is just heartbreaking. The total number dead or missing is astounding on its own, but then I start to think about how each of those people had a family and a community and it's just so sad. I may not have a healthy baby yet, but there is so much I already have that it seems silly to get hung up on feeling bad for myself today.

so far so good

I did it! First injection down, a bajillion more to go. I know it probably seems like a small thing for those who have gone through this before, but it felt really huge for me. I made my husband late for work today so he could be there in case I had some kind of panic attack. He's been really great the last couple of days. I think the reality of all that I will be going through is really hitting him now and he feels bad that so much of the burden is on me. Of course, I also surprised him with a nice dinner yesterday (he usually cooks) before I potentially turn into Queen Bitch. We are going on a much-needed date tomorrow so I at least have something to look forward to in the nearer future.

I tried to really clear out my schedule for the next few weeks in case I wasn't feeling up to facing the world. The problem is that right now, I am *hating* having so much downtime. I need non-IVF related things to fill my brain! I burned through the entire first season of United States of Tara in a few days. I might need to bump my Netflix up to two discs at a time. I suppose I should just get used to this feeling of wanting to fast-forward.

12 hours to lift-off

We have already been through so much, but I feel like things *really* get started tomorrow when I give myself that first injection. Pretty silly considering how many thousands of dollars have gone on the credit card in the last two weeks, and how many appointments we've had in the past six months.

So I stayed home all day Friday waiting for the meds to arrive. It was funny to me that I didn't realize how huge the box would be! Those little vials at the clinic seemed so small!



I have been trying to declutter my life recently and managed to clean out an entire drawer in our bathroom for all of my supplies. I am pretty proud of it. I am one of those people who always feels better when things are orderly because it makes it feel more under control.



Meds neatly arranged in clean drawer = totally under control. Right? Ha.

I also opened up the Lupron kit. I don't know why - to make sure the vial was actually in there? I realized that seeing each of the tiny little syringes in their little packages, with the separate little alcohol wipes, made it all seem less scary. They're so cute! Like the little soaps and shampoos you get at hotels, or the little glasses they use when you order a wine flight. Silly but I'll take what I can get at this point. I'm not typically a very optimistic or whimsical person but I'm trying.

pending descent into madness

It is my last full day off before I need to start actually preparing for school on Monday. Instead of doing something fun or productive, I am sitting around in my sweatpants waiting for the FedEx guy to arrive with my thousands of dollars worth of drugs. I really want to go to the gym and the grocery store but I'm afraid he'll deliver everything while I'm gone - and not only is it below zero here, it just seems wrong to leave something that expensive stuck between the screen door.

I am also freaking out a little because I know that when those drugs arrive, it will really finally and totally be real. I've been waiting for this to get started for SO long but it still freaks me out.

Next post: obligatory photo of my crazy-lady drugs!