9 weeks

Wow. It is hard to believe that it has been over six weeks since the transfer. On the other hand, I can't believe I am "only" nine weeks along. I guess that's to be expected when your hormonal journey begins three weeks before you even get pregnant.

I am feeling a little less anxious, at least most of the time. I think the further we get, the more I am learning to accept and trust that everything will be fine. I am definitely still dying for that 12 week mark though! Setting that goal, and waiting until then to really start telling everyone, has really helped. I no longer worry about whether I should tell or not tell, and I think by waiting, I will actually be really excited about telling everyone.

Not that I'm not excited now; it's just that I haven't truly accepted that yes, I am pregnant. Really. It just still seems unbelievable to me, despite my pants not fitting and my inability to eat anything besides Corn Pops before 1pm. I am hoping that in three weeks I'll sort of be showing a little bit more so I can phase more easily into "yup, i'm pregnant and not fat" mode. (on a side note, i don't care that i look fat. i just don't want anyone to guess what's going on before i'm ready to tell them.)

I finally finished my progesterone this week. As much as I am glad to be done with the hassle, part of me is a tiny bit worried just in case it was actually accomplishing something. If the doctors got me this far, I guess I should just continue to trust their judgment.

Real life continues to stay busy, which is probably good. However, I am really looking forward to warm weather and this semester being over.

8 weeks, and all is well :)

We had our first official OB appointment today. Things started off a little shaky when I managed to somehow mess up peeing in a cup. I have always hated doing this; I always feel like the cup is too small and I don't have enough pee. And I was an idiot and peed right before we left the house so, yeah, the nurse in the lab was not impressed with my pitiful output. I ended up having to down 10 little cups of water back in the waiting room so that I could pee again. I felt like a *total* idiot. Anyhow...

The awesome news was that this first appointment was with my usual NP. I was not expecting much from this appointment -basically talking, poking around, blood draw, that kind of boring stuff. Near the beginning, when we were just talking about things, she asked how the spotting was going. I told her it's still been happening but nothing any different from before. So she says "well, let's do an ultrasound then so you can make it until we listen to the heartbeat in two weeks?" Yay!!! We weren't expecting to actually see our little embie again until like Week 20. Did I mention how awesome my NP is?? And she even wanted to come with us to meet the little one.

This ultrasound was AMAZING! I could not believe how much growth happened in one frickin' week! It went from a total bean-blob to something completely recognizable. We could immediately see the head, the arms and legs, and that beating heart. I am SO SO happy that we got to see embie again. And on top of that, my NP told me if I was ever feeling really worried, she'd order an ultrasound or doptone (once we hit 10 weeks) every week if I needed it. She totally understands what we've been through and I am so thankful.

things i would post on Twitter if everyone knew I was pregnant

how come the only foods i crave are the ones you can get at a ballpark? (potato chips, chicken strips, etc.)

come on, April 15th, get here faster!

only one meal of walleye per month is going to kill me. walleye burrito @ Longfellow Grill, i miss you already.

yes, i do look fat.

craving = this is the only food i can imagine eating right now that doesn't make me want to puke.

St. Patrick's Day is completely useless without Jameson after class.

7w4d - time machine

I wish I could just skip ahead to April 15th, with embie healthy, when we'll hit a full 12 weeks. After focusing so much on getting pregnant, I had no idea how difficult it would be to survive the first trimester. I worry *a lot.*

My family members who know, and are sworn to secrecy, are all pressuring me to tell everyone else. I'm just not there yet, and I don't think I will be until we get past the first trimester. Part of it is that I'm too worried to be really excited right now, and I'd rather be at a point where I can be just as happy as the people who are hearing the news. That and I don't like everyone reminding me that I'm pregnant, because it just reminds me to worry (well, like I need reminding, but you know what I mean).

I'm also in denial. After everything we've gone through, it still seems unreal that it actually worked. Yes, I'm a bit chubbier, occasionally nauseous, and tired, but I just don't feel pregnant yet. And if reality hasn't hit me yet, I'm not ready for it to hit others first.

I know I'm supposed to be grateful for every day, and I am, I just wish I each day would go by a little bit faster.

7 weeks and still here!

Everything is fine. Well, at least relating to my uterus and the embie. My ovaries, however, scared the crap out of my non-fertility clinic ultrasound tech. I told her right from the beginning that I got pregnant via IVF but I don't think she'd seen any that big before. Isn't it funny how everyone is obsessed about your ovaries, and then after the transfer, it's all about your uterus? I'm now realizing that some of my general "ickiness" and discomfort might still be low-level OHSS. The "leftovers" in there are still taking up lots of space, apparently.

Embie is great! We got to see the heartbeat again and it was a little faster than on Monday, which apparently is a good sign. The tech said that make sense given we just hit 7 weeks today. She said it will probably plateau at about what it is now. The other great news is that I think my NP "gets it." She understands I've been through a lot and so what if we need to do a few extra procedures so that I'm not a wreck the whole time? She told me about a patient of hers who had struggled with numerous losses, and they let her come in and listen to the heartbeat every Friday from 10 weeks up to 28 weeks. So yeah, I'm really glad I decided to stick with this clinic.

From here on out, as long as it stays minimal, I am not supposed to panic about minor spotting. I am supposed to blame it on the suppositories. I will only be on them for 8 more days so hopefully things will stop after that. I really need to figure out a better way to deal with my worrying or this is going to be a LONG six weeks.

sick of worrying

The drama continues... I've had two more spotting episodes in the past 48 hours, and some minor cramps in between. It's not anything resembling a flow - I probably wouldn't even notice it if I weren't so freakin' paranoid, but it's enough that I'm worried. So I called my usual nurse practitioner (who will also be my NP for my prenatal care) to get her opinion. She thinks it warrants an ultrasound, if for no other reason than to keep me from worrying. So that's where I'll be an hour from now.

I know there are lots of reasons these symptoms could be innocuous and "normal" but I also know there is a chance they might not be. I've been on this emotional roller coaster this week - positive & thinking everything will be fine, then two hours later being convinced I'm on the verge of miscarriage. My therapist told me I need to learn to trust my body, that I should accept all of the other symptoms as proof that I'm pregnant, but I feel like the progesterone suppositories mess everything up. I am *really* hoping they are the explanation for the spotting, and that the cramping is just my uterus growing with our little embie, and that it's just a coincidence that they are happening around the same time. Ugh. I hate this. Hopefully I'll have encouraging news later today and I can relax for at least a little while. I keep telling everyone that I need to steal their good luck for awhile - definitely need it today!

not-Twitter

Because I have the need to share this thought but cannot do so via Twitter or Facebook without all of my IRL friends awkwardly finding out that I am pregnant:

Studying for the most ridiculous Income Tax quiz ever would be a lot easier if I wasn't exhausted and slightly nauseous

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I think now that the reality of being pregnant is sinking in, I'm not fighting the symptoms anymore. I let DH tell a bunch of people in the past 24 hours and now I feel really weird about it (although not in a bad way). I cannot wait for Friday to get here so I can go back to sleeping 12 hours a day.

happy reality

The ultrasound went perfectly! We finally got to see the embie in real-time, tiny tiny heart beating/flickering inside of me. The (very) little one is the right size, in the right place, and has a healthy heartbeat. I am SO thankful that we made it to this point. We also officially did our "exit interview" with our RE and got the go-ahead to see whatever OB we choose. So yeah, very strange but wonderful day.

I think the true reality of actually being pregnant is finally starting to hit home. Despite the sore boobs, the bloating, and the exhaustion, it didn't seem real until today. I've been in denial about getting ever-so-slightly chubby (most of my jeans don't fit) but I kept chalking that up to the OHSS.

Of course, DH thinks now that we saw the heartbeat, it is a free-for-all to tell everyone. So far I've ok'd the relatives who live further away, with the caveat that nothing is to be posted on facebook (sad that we have to tell people this, but unfortunately it seems necessary). We're from a really small town and I'm just not ready for everyone we've ever known to know what's going on in my uterus. That being said, I don't know if I'll ever be truly comfortable telling people that I'm pregnant - or at least that's how it feels right now because it still seems unbelievable.

sunshine

It is finally warming up here and all of the snow and ice is starting to melt. I usually love spring and am trying to let the sunshine and warm weather cheer me up.

At least until our appointment on Monday, I'm going to try to stay off the internet, at least when it comes to pregnancy/IF stuff. At this point, pretty much all it does is give me more things to worry about. I keep reminding myself that my mom, aunt, and grandma never had miscarriages, and that there are lots of benign non-troublesome explanations for the spotting (especially given the suppositories). If my clinic isn't worried about it, and they're the experts, then I need to not be as worried about it either.

To help fill my head, I'm going to a movie tonight with a good friend, and then going in for a facial and manicure with my sister-in-law on Sunday. I also have tons of school work to catch up on, which I'm sort of thankful for because it will keep me busy. The longer it goes without any further spotting, the easier it is to convince myself that our little embie is still doing fine. I've also had no pain at all so that's good too.

Again, with the waiting!

6 weeks

Hard to believe it has already been two weeks since we found out - but it also feels like time is moving way too slowly. I have had no further spotting since the single incident 48 hours ago so I am hopeful it truly was just my cervix rebelling against the progesterone. Unfortunately, however, that incident caused my worrying to kick-in kind of hardcore right now. I can't help it. I was doing really well until the spotting. We have come so far yet things are still so tenuous right now. I was tempted to buy a hpt yesterday to reassure myself but decided against it. I'm just going to wait for our (hopefully!) last "pregnancy confirmation" appointment with my RE on Monday. Technically, I'm not all that religious and don't pray, exactly, but I've been sending our little embie tons of positive thoughts this week.

It is great to be feeling physically better and be past the worst of the OHSS but now every twinge I feel makes me worry about the embie, where before I chalked everything up to the OHSS. The books say occasional "twinges" are normal but cramping/pain is bad. Way too many things to worry about. I will feel SO much better once we see that embie is doing okay.

Just realized we are only half-way to 2nd trimester - that seems like forever but I guess I just have to be happy with one healthy day at a time.

it's always something

Very scary moment this morning - after going to the bathroom right after I woke up, I had some definite spotting. I of course immediately jumped to thinking I was having a miscarriage but called my clinic before completely panicking. I learned that some spotting is common with the progesterone suppositories, due to the cervix being irritated. It's been 2.5 hours since the incident and there has been no additional bleeding so I am really hopeful that nothing horrible is happening. I also haven't had any cramping or other symptoms.

Even if it is nothing, though, it sucks because I was just getting over being afraid every time I go to the bathroom (which has been a lot lately!). As scared as I was (and still am), I keep reminding myself that this is out of my control. Logically, I know this means that all I can do is be positive, take care of myself, and keep doing what I'm doing (eating healthy, taking my vitamins, etc.). Too bad logic doesn't rule anymore.