Everything is fine. Well, at least relating to my uterus and the embie. My ovaries, however, scared the crap out of my non-fertility clinic ultrasound tech. I told her right from the beginning that I got pregnant via IVF but I don't think she'd seen any that big before. Isn't it funny how everyone is obsessed about your ovaries, and then after the transfer, it's all about your uterus? I'm now realizing that some of my general "ickiness" and discomfort might still be low-level OHSS. The "leftovers" in there are still taking up lots of space, apparently.
Embie is great! We got to see the heartbeat again and it was a little faster than on Monday, which apparently is a good sign. The tech said that make sense given we just hit 7 weeks today. She said it will probably plateau at about what it is now. The other great news is that I think my NP "gets it." She understands I've been through a lot and so what if we need to do a few extra procedures so that I'm not a wreck the whole time? She told me about a patient of hers who had struggled with numerous losses, and they let her come in and listen to the heartbeat every Friday from 10 weeks up to 28 weeks. So yeah, I'm really glad I decided to stick with this clinic.
From here on out, as long as it stays minimal, I am not supposed to panic about minor spotting. I am supposed to blame it on the suppositories. I will only be on them for 8 more days so hopefully things will stop after that. I really need to figure out a better way to deal with my worrying or this is going to be a LONG six weeks.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
sick of worrying
The drama continues... I've had two more spotting episodes in the past 48 hours, and some minor cramps in between. It's not anything resembling a flow - I probably wouldn't even notice it if I weren't so freakin' paranoid, but it's enough that I'm worried. So I called my usual nurse practitioner (who will also be my NP for my prenatal care) to get her opinion. She thinks it warrants an ultrasound, if for no other reason than to keep me from worrying. So that's where I'll be an hour from now.
I know there are lots of reasons these symptoms could be innocuous and "normal" but I also know there is a chance they might not be. I've been on this emotional roller coaster this week - positive & thinking everything will be fine, then two hours later being convinced I'm on the verge of miscarriage. My therapist told me I need to learn to trust my body, that I should accept all of the other symptoms as proof that I'm pregnant, but I feel like the progesterone suppositories mess everything up. I am *really* hoping they are the explanation for the spotting, and that the cramping is just my uterus growing with our little embie, and that it's just a coincidence that they are happening around the same time. Ugh. I hate this. Hopefully I'll have encouraging news later today and I can relax for at least a little while. I keep telling everyone that I need to steal their good luck for awhile - definitely need it today!
I know there are lots of reasons these symptoms could be innocuous and "normal" but I also know there is a chance they might not be. I've been on this emotional roller coaster this week - positive & thinking everything will be fine, then two hours later being convinced I'm on the verge of miscarriage. My therapist told me I need to learn to trust my body, that I should accept all of the other symptoms as proof that I'm pregnant, but I feel like the progesterone suppositories mess everything up. I am *really* hoping they are the explanation for the spotting, and that the cramping is just my uterus growing with our little embie, and that it's just a coincidence that they are happening around the same time. Ugh. I hate this. Hopefully I'll have encouraging news later today and I can relax for at least a little while. I keep telling everyone that I need to steal their good luck for awhile - definitely need it today!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
not-Twitter
Because I have the need to share this thought but cannot do so via Twitter or Facebook without all of my IRL friends awkwardly finding out that I am pregnant:
Studying for the most ridiculous Income Tax quiz ever would be a lot easier if I wasn't exhausted and slightly nauseous
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I think now that the reality of being pregnant is sinking in, I'm not fighting the symptoms anymore. I let DH tell a bunch of people in the past 24 hours and now I feel really weird about it (although not in a bad way). I cannot wait for Friday to get here so I can go back to sleeping 12 hours a day.
Studying for the most ridiculous Income Tax quiz ever would be a lot easier if I wasn't exhausted and slightly nauseous
------
I think now that the reality of being pregnant is sinking in, I'm not fighting the symptoms anymore. I let DH tell a bunch of people in the past 24 hours and now I feel really weird about it (although not in a bad way). I cannot wait for Friday to get here so I can go back to sleeping 12 hours a day.
Monday, March 8, 2010
happy reality
The ultrasound went perfectly! We finally got to see the embie in real-time, tiny tiny heart beating/flickering inside of me. The (very) little one is the right size, in the right place, and has a healthy heartbeat. I am SO thankful that we made it to this point. We also officially did our "exit interview" with our RE and got the go-ahead to see whatever OB we choose. So yeah, very strange but wonderful day.
I think the true reality of actually being pregnant is finally starting to hit home. Despite the sore boobs, the bloating, and the exhaustion, it didn't seem real until today. I've been in denial about getting ever-so-slightly chubby (most of my jeans don't fit) but I kept chalking that up to the OHSS.
Of course, DH thinks now that we saw the heartbeat, it is a free-for-all to tell everyone. So far I've ok'd the relatives who live further away, with the caveat that nothing is to be posted on facebook (sad that we have to tell people this, but unfortunately it seems necessary). We're from a really small town and I'm just not ready for everyone we've ever known to know what's going on in my uterus. That being said, I don't know if I'll ever be truly comfortable telling people that I'm pregnant - or at least that's how it feels right now because it still seems unbelievable.
I think the true reality of actually being pregnant is finally starting to hit home. Despite the sore boobs, the bloating, and the exhaustion, it didn't seem real until today. I've been in denial about getting ever-so-slightly chubby (most of my jeans don't fit) but I kept chalking that up to the OHSS.
Of course, DH thinks now that we saw the heartbeat, it is a free-for-all to tell everyone. So far I've ok'd the relatives who live further away, with the caveat that nothing is to be posted on facebook (sad that we have to tell people this, but unfortunately it seems necessary). We're from a really small town and I'm just not ready for everyone we've ever known to know what's going on in my uterus. That being said, I don't know if I'll ever be truly comfortable telling people that I'm pregnant - or at least that's how it feels right now because it still seems unbelievable.
Friday, March 5, 2010
sunshine
It is finally warming up here and all of the snow and ice is starting to melt. I usually love spring and am trying to let the sunshine and warm weather cheer me up.
At least until our appointment on Monday, I'm going to try to stay off the internet, at least when it comes to pregnancy/IF stuff. At this point, pretty much all it does is give me more things to worry about. I keep reminding myself that my mom, aunt, and grandma never had miscarriages, and that there are lots of benign non-troublesome explanations for the spotting (especially given the suppositories). If my clinic isn't worried about it, and they're the experts, then I need to not be as worried about it either.
To help fill my head, I'm going to a movie tonight with a good friend, and then going in for a facial and manicure with my sister-in-law on Sunday. I also have tons of school work to catch up on, which I'm sort of thankful for because it will keep me busy. The longer it goes without any further spotting, the easier it is to convince myself that our little embie is still doing fine. I've also had no pain at all so that's good too.
Again, with the waiting!
At least until our appointment on Monday, I'm going to try to stay off the internet, at least when it comes to pregnancy/IF stuff. At this point, pretty much all it does is give me more things to worry about. I keep reminding myself that my mom, aunt, and grandma never had miscarriages, and that there are lots of benign non-troublesome explanations for the spotting (especially given the suppositories). If my clinic isn't worried about it, and they're the experts, then I need to not be as worried about it either.
To help fill my head, I'm going to a movie tonight with a good friend, and then going in for a facial and manicure with my sister-in-law on Sunday. I also have tons of school work to catch up on, which I'm sort of thankful for because it will keep me busy. The longer it goes without any further spotting, the easier it is to convince myself that our little embie is still doing fine. I've also had no pain at all so that's good too.
Again, with the waiting!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
6 weeks
Hard to believe it has already been two weeks since we found out - but it also feels like time is moving way too slowly. I have had no further spotting since the single incident 48 hours ago so I am hopeful it truly was just my cervix rebelling against the progesterone. Unfortunately, however, that incident caused my worrying to kick-in kind of hardcore right now. I can't help it. I was doing really well until the spotting. We have come so far yet things are still so tenuous right now. I was tempted to buy a hpt yesterday to reassure myself but decided against it. I'm just going to wait for our (hopefully!) last "pregnancy confirmation" appointment with my RE on Monday. Technically, I'm not all that religious and don't pray, exactly, but I've been sending our little embie tons of positive thoughts this week.
It is great to be feeling physically better and be past the worst of the OHSS but now every twinge I feel makes me worry about the embie, where before I chalked everything up to the OHSS. The books say occasional "twinges" are normal but cramping/pain is bad. Way too many things to worry about. I will feel SO much better once we see that embie is doing okay.
Just realized we are only half-way to 2nd trimester - that seems like forever but I guess I just have to be happy with one healthy day at a time.
It is great to be feeling physically better and be past the worst of the OHSS but now every twinge I feel makes me worry about the embie, where before I chalked everything up to the OHSS. The books say occasional "twinges" are normal but cramping/pain is bad. Way too many things to worry about. I will feel SO much better once we see that embie is doing okay.
Just realized we are only half-way to 2nd trimester - that seems like forever but I guess I just have to be happy with one healthy day at a time.
Monday, March 1, 2010
it's always something
Very scary moment this morning - after going to the bathroom right after I woke up, I had some definite spotting. I of course immediately jumped to thinking I was having a miscarriage but called my clinic before completely panicking. I learned that some spotting is common with the progesterone suppositories, due to the cervix being irritated. It's been 2.5 hours since the incident and there has been no additional bleeding so I am really hopeful that nothing horrible is happening. I also haven't had any cramping or other symptoms.
Even if it is nothing, though, it sucks because I was just getting over being afraid every time I go to the bathroom (which has been a lot lately!). As scared as I was (and still am), I keep reminding myself that this is out of my control. Logically, I know this means that all I can do is be positive, take care of myself, and keep doing what I'm doing (eating healthy, taking my vitamins, etc.). Too bad logic doesn't rule anymore.
Even if it is nothing, though, it sucks because I was just getting over being afraid every time I go to the bathroom (which has been a lot lately!). As scared as I was (and still am), I keep reminding myself that this is out of my control. Logically, I know this means that all I can do is be positive, take care of myself, and keep doing what I'm doing (eating healthy, taking my vitamins, etc.). Too bad logic doesn't rule anymore.
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