We have reached the third trimester. Crazy. Amazing. Scary. Relieved. The books say that if he was born now, he'd still have an over 85% chance of surviving. I don't know what kind of survival this would look like, and I'm sure it would totally fricking suck, but for some reason, this makes me feel better about the whole situation.
Unfortunately, reaching this point has also forced us to arrange for a few muscular dystrophy-related tasks that will need to happen at the birth and soon-after. This of course has made me think abut the whole MD thing (you know, the entire reason I went through IVF in the first place? ha) and the slight chance that the test was wrong and our baby really does have the "bad gene." I know the chances of this are slim (like, less than 1%). And I know that the chances of some other unknown obstacle occurring are probably higher. But I still don't feel good about it. Last night it actually kept me up - for whatever reason I woke up at 5am and then the MD-worry popped in my head. *sigh*
We told ourselves at the beginning that if for some crazy reason the test gave us a false negative, and we ended up with a kid with MD, that we could make peace with it. Because we did all we could. But it would still really really suck. And part of me wonders what would have happened if we had just implanted one of the girl embryos, because then the worst scenario would be having a carrier. But then I think maybe we wouldn't have even gotten pregnant to begin with because the boy they transferred was the strongest guy. Ugh. So yeah, neverending cycle of doubt with no really good answer.
Just trying to get to a place where I can accept things as they are. I need the hope to outweigh the doubt again.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
thankful but...
After reading someone else's blog this morning, I realized again how tricky the transition from "IVF blog" to "pregnancy blog" can be. I feel bad because I know most of the people who read this found me through the infertility community, but at the same time, blogging was such a good way to deal with stress during IVF that it seems silly to hang it up now. I think I also feel guilty because I was lucky enough that I did not have to endure the full-scale infertility journey that so many women have had to go through. PGD seems to hold this odd place in the blogosphere (if it even has any actual place - thus far I've only found two other bloggers whose primary "issue" (?) is PGD-related).
So anyhow, I am almost 26 weeks along now and completely thankful for the little guy growing in my uterus. And even more thankful that I feel him kicking and moving around consistently throughout the day (like right now). I wanted to type that first because above all else, I do need to keep my focus on what is really important - that we are well on our way to having the healthy baby we've desperately wanted.
That being said...I am majorly stressing out about the timing of it all. I know, I know, there is no magical non-stressful time to have a baby. But I've now put myself into a position where I feel like I must take the bar exam while trying to appropriately mother and care for a 4-month old. There are just so many unknowns and it is kind of impossible to make a truly informed decision at this point. I have no idea how long he will be sleeping at night by that point. Or how hard breastfeeding/pumping will be. Or how difficult it will be to begin the bar review courses when he is somewhere around 6-7 weeks old. Ugh.
I've considered putting off taking the bar until July (they only offer it twice a year), but that means putting the rest of our life plans on hold - it would significantly slow down our plans to move, and extremely limit my job prospects (unfortunately, DH just can't make enough to comfortably support three of us forever). Plus I'm afraid I would forget a lot of information, especially considering that I am already pretty much done with law school. I have one 3-credit class this fall. That's it. And I honestly don't care what grade I get.
Really not sure what the best thing to do is (I've already come to terms that there is no "good" option, just one that would be better than the other). Sadly, googling "bar exam newborn" brought up very little. Damn you internets!
So anyhow, I am almost 26 weeks along now and completely thankful for the little guy growing in my uterus. And even more thankful that I feel him kicking and moving around consistently throughout the day (like right now). I wanted to type that first because above all else, I do need to keep my focus on what is really important - that we are well on our way to having the healthy baby we've desperately wanted.
That being said...I am majorly stressing out about the timing of it all. I know, I know, there is no magical non-stressful time to have a baby. But I've now put myself into a position where I feel like I must take the bar exam while trying to appropriately mother and care for a 4-month old. There are just so many unknowns and it is kind of impossible to make a truly informed decision at this point. I have no idea how long he will be sleeping at night by that point. Or how hard breastfeeding/pumping will be. Or how difficult it will be to begin the bar review courses when he is somewhere around 6-7 weeks old. Ugh.
I've considered putting off taking the bar until July (they only offer it twice a year), but that means putting the rest of our life plans on hold - it would significantly slow down our plans to move, and extremely limit my job prospects (unfortunately, DH just can't make enough to comfortably support three of us forever). Plus I'm afraid I would forget a lot of information, especially considering that I am already pretty much done with law school. I have one 3-credit class this fall. That's it. And I honestly don't care what grade I get.
Really not sure what the best thing to do is (I've already come to terms that there is no "good" option, just one that would be better than the other). Sadly, googling "bar exam newborn" brought up very little. Damn you internets!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
just in case
I doubt anyone is even out there reading this, but if you are, I felt that I owed at least a short post to let the world know that everything continues to go well. 24 weeks today! Can't believe that that first injection was over six months ago! The whole process already seems like it was some strange dream (nightmare?) - my memories are so blurry and all I remember is being uncomfortable and foggy the whole time. It sucked but I am so thankful we even had an opportunity to give our baby a future that was not possible 20 years ago.
Baby is kicking away on a regular basis now. His kicks are definitely getting stronger - enough so that it is pretty distracting at times. He's already waking me up early a few time a week squirming around in there. I don't mind though, at least he's quietly waking me up at this point. :)
Baby showers are later in August and I am starting to freak out a little about not having ANYTHING yet. I assume we'll get lots at the showers but if we don't, it's going to be a lean fall. And of course I couldn't find a paying job this summer so money is not what it has been the last few years. Ah well, all he really needs is a place to sleep, right?
Baby is kicking away on a regular basis now. His kicks are definitely getting stronger - enough so that it is pretty distracting at times. He's already waking me up early a few time a week squirming around in there. I don't mind though, at least he's quietly waking me up at this point. :)
Baby showers are later in August and I am starting to freak out a little about not having ANYTHING yet. I assume we'll get lots at the showers but if we don't, it's going to be a lean fall. And of course I couldn't find a paying job this summer so money is not what it has been the last few years. Ah well, all he really needs is a place to sleep, right?
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