good news!

Voicemail this morning from someone at the genetics lab. I of course jumped to negative conclusions and called back immediately in panic that something, somehow, was wrong. Thankfully, it was the opposite - the PGD test is ready to go! They were just calling to let us know that whenever we go forward with our cycle, their lab has the individualized genetic test for us, ready to test our embryos.

I really wasn't expecting anything to go wrong with this step, but it is a step in the right direction regardless. Yay!

balance

Recently I have had a hard time finding balance dealing with this whole situation. I feel like I veer from one extreme to the other, either I am obsessing about IVF and pregnancy or I am completely pushing it aside, almost in denial about the whole thing.

My goal is to find balance. Of course this is an important part of my life, but I don't want it to BE my life. It seems like so many women, and so many couples, end up being defined by IVF/infertility/disease. I don't want that. But some days it is just so hard!

A big piece of this balancing puzzle is deciding who to tell and who to keep in the dark. So far the only people who know about our plans are our immediate family - parents and siblings, and a handful of friends from school. In a way, it is easier to talk about with my non-family members because there is less emotion involved. Some days I want to just let everyone know, to be straight with my friends, because it isn't something I'm ashamed of. But then I wonder if that will only make it harder. What if it doesn't work the first time? or ever? What if everyone thinks of me as That Girl Who is Doing IVF? or what if I just *think* that's what they're thinking about me?

The truth is, if I am going to get through next semester's classes, I need to tell a few more people. Because I'm going to need them.

lottery

The New York Times started running a series of stories called "21st Century Babies" this week. The first story dealt primarily with the problems that result from multiple births, even with twins, for both the mother and the babies. If the information cited in the article is even close to the truth, I already feel misled by every doctor I've talked to thus far.

I think the doctors, clinics, and often the patients seeking IVF lose sight of the big picture. There are numerous risks involved with twin pregnancies, including birth defects, low birth weights, premature labor, not to mention additional procedures, surgeries, and bed rest for the mother. The costs of these things are enormous - emotional, moral, physical, economical. If you've been trying to get pregnant, and keep failing, I can understand how maybe as you get older you will start to get more desperate to have a baby. Period. The cognitive dissonance kicks in and the only way you can make sense of what you've already gone through is to hold "Getting Pregnant" above all else. Including "Having a Healthy Baby." Unfortunately they are not necessarily one and the same.

For me, the whole purpose of doing IVF is to avoid passing on a disease to my future children. In other words, the goal is Healthy Baby. For all I know, the Getting Pregnant goal might not even be that hard for me to reach. Why on earth would I put myself through the entire IVF process just to trade in the risk of one disease (muscular dystrophy) for multiple increased risks of other medical problems (including cerebral palsy, lifelong learning disabilities, deafness, blindness, etc.)?

The good news is that I meet all the criteria for an ideal candidate for single embryo transfer (SET). I am under 35 (I turn 27 next week), I've not had failed IVF cycles, etc. I'm just pissed off that I had to learn this from www.nytimes.com instead of my doctor. No harm, no foul, at this point but still frustrating. I'm taking this as just another reminder that we are our best advocates. We can't rely on others to ask the questions, educate us about options, and keep our long-term best interests in mind.

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

------

I have been a Coldplay fan for awhile but it wasn't until the last year that their music started to mean more to me. This song in particular I never paid attention to until recently (it's on their third album, X&Y).