useless

I've used the word "useless" more in the last few weeks than the rest of my life put together. Unfortunately, it sums up how I've been feeling about myself the past few weeks. To top it all off today, I had ONE thing that I had to do today and 100% failed. Seriously, the ONLY thing I had to do today was go see my therapist. I knew this when I got up this morning. I even had my calendar open for several hours around lunchtime. Yet I somehow completely managed to forget about it by the time the actual appointment rolled around, and then got a call from my therapist about 10 minutes after my session was supposed to start. I feel really bad about it - it costs my therapist money and it bugs me even more because it just isn't "me" to flake out and miss appointments. Hell, I am the person who gets there 15 minutes early "just in case" (in case of what, I'm not even sure). I just hate this feeling of being so undefined and out of control.

Besides today's screw-up, it's getting harder and harder to do chores. And since I am unemployed and am only a student 10% of the time, that's really all I do. I've been getting Braxton-Hicks contractions whenever I lift anything bigger than a gallon of milk, which actually limits a relatively large amount of housework. We also really need to polyurethane the new doors we installed and paint the trim for the hallway, but of course I shouldn't do those things because of the fumes (and of course DH is dragging his feet on those things, but then I feel like an unappreciative nag whenever I mention them to him since he is the one working and I'm the one sitting on my ass all day). Why do the pregnancy books fail to talk about this? It can't really be that abnormal. Although I guess I shouldn't trust the books because all of those authors seem to think women are obsessed with the whole weight gain aspect, and I couldn't care less about that.

It's weird too because I am sure there are plenty of women in the third trimester who dream of having no job, but I just really suck at handling this. My therapist pointed out last time that I've never had this much downtime in my entire adult life, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. She probably didn't know that encouraging me to embrace an easygoing lifestyle for a few months was going to cause me to miss my damn appointment. lol.

I feel bad that I pretty much only blog when I'm feeling down about something, but honestly when things are going well, I don't feel the need to write it down. I've had two wonderful baby showers in the past 10 days and I *promise* I will write about them soon (although, again, unfortunately I failed to take even one photo at the nicest one so there will not be any visual evidence).