doubt

We have reached the third trimester. Crazy. Amazing. Scary. Relieved. The books say that if he was born now, he'd still have an over 85% chance of surviving. I don't know what kind of survival this would look like, and I'm sure it would totally fricking suck, but for some reason, this makes me feel better about the whole situation.

Unfortunately, reaching this point has also forced us to arrange for a few muscular dystrophy-related tasks that will need to happen at the birth and soon-after. This of course has made me think abut the whole MD thing (you know, the entire reason I went through IVF in the first place? ha) and the slight chance that the test was wrong and our baby really does have the "bad gene." I know the chances of this are slim (like, less than 1%). And I know that the chances of some other unknown obstacle occurring are probably higher. But I still don't feel good about it. Last night it actually kept me up - for whatever reason I woke up at 5am and then the MD-worry popped in my head. *sigh*

We told ourselves at the beginning that if for some crazy reason the test gave us a false negative, and we ended up with a kid with MD, that we could make peace with it. Because we did all we could. But it would still really really suck. And part of me wonders what would have happened if we had just implanted one of the girl embryos, because then the worst scenario would be having a carrier. But then I think maybe we wouldn't have even gotten pregnant to begin with because the boy they transferred was the strongest guy. Ugh. So yeah, neverending cycle of doubt with no really good answer.

Just trying to get to a place where I can accept things as they are. I need the hope to outweigh the doubt again.