I've used the word "useless" more in the last few weeks than the rest of my life put together. Unfortunately, it sums up how I've been feeling about myself the past few weeks. To top it all off today, I had ONE thing that I had to do today and 100% failed. Seriously, the ONLY thing I had to do today was go see my therapist. I knew this when I got up this morning. I even had my calendar open for several hours around lunchtime. Yet I somehow completely managed to forget about it by the time the actual appointment rolled around, and then got a call from my therapist about 10 minutes after my session was supposed to start. I feel really bad about it - it costs my therapist money and it bugs me even more because it just isn't "me" to flake out and miss appointments. Hell, I am the person who gets there 15 minutes early "just in case" (in case of what, I'm not even sure). I just hate this feeling of being so undefined and out of control.
Besides today's screw-up, it's getting harder and harder to do chores. And since I am unemployed and am only a student 10% of the time, that's really all I do. I've been getting Braxton-Hicks contractions whenever I lift anything bigger than a gallon of milk, which actually limits a relatively large amount of housework. We also really need to polyurethane the new doors we installed and paint the trim for the hallway, but of course I shouldn't do those things because of the fumes (and of course DH is dragging his feet on those things, but then I feel like an unappreciative nag whenever I mention them to him since he is the one working and I'm the one sitting on my ass all day). Why do the pregnancy books fail to talk about this? It can't really be that abnormal. Although I guess I shouldn't trust the books because all of those authors seem to think women are obsessed with the whole weight gain aspect, and I couldn't care less about that.
It's weird too because I am sure there are plenty of women in the third trimester who dream of having no job, but I just really suck at handling this. My therapist pointed out last time that I've never had this much downtime in my entire adult life, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. She probably didn't know that encouraging me to embrace an easygoing lifestyle for a few months was going to cause me to miss my damn appointment. lol.
I feel bad that I pretty much only blog when I'm feeling down about something, but honestly when things are going well, I don't feel the need to write it down. I've had two wonderful baby showers in the past 10 days and I *promise* I will write about them soon (although, again, unfortunately I failed to take even one photo at the nicest one so there will not be any visual evidence).
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
doubt
We have reached the third trimester. Crazy. Amazing. Scary. Relieved. The books say that if he was born now, he'd still have an over 85% chance of surviving. I don't know what kind of survival this would look like, and I'm sure it would totally fricking suck, but for some reason, this makes me feel better about the whole situation.
Unfortunately, reaching this point has also forced us to arrange for a few muscular dystrophy-related tasks that will need to happen at the birth and soon-after. This of course has made me think abut the whole MD thing (you know, the entire reason I went through IVF in the first place? ha) and the slight chance that the test was wrong and our baby really does have the "bad gene." I know the chances of this are slim (like, less than 1%). And I know that the chances of some other unknown obstacle occurring are probably higher. But I still don't feel good about it. Last night it actually kept me up - for whatever reason I woke up at 5am and then the MD-worry popped in my head. *sigh*
We told ourselves at the beginning that if for some crazy reason the test gave us a false negative, and we ended up with a kid with MD, that we could make peace with it. Because we did all we could. But it would still really really suck. And part of me wonders what would have happened if we had just implanted one of the girl embryos, because then the worst scenario would be having a carrier. But then I think maybe we wouldn't have even gotten pregnant to begin with because the boy they transferred was the strongest guy. Ugh. So yeah, neverending cycle of doubt with no really good answer.
Just trying to get to a place where I can accept things as they are. I need the hope to outweigh the doubt again.
Unfortunately, reaching this point has also forced us to arrange for a few muscular dystrophy-related tasks that will need to happen at the birth and soon-after. This of course has made me think abut the whole MD thing (you know, the entire reason I went through IVF in the first place? ha) and the slight chance that the test was wrong and our baby really does have the "bad gene." I know the chances of this are slim (like, less than 1%). And I know that the chances of some other unknown obstacle occurring are probably higher. But I still don't feel good about it. Last night it actually kept me up - for whatever reason I woke up at 5am and then the MD-worry popped in my head. *sigh*
We told ourselves at the beginning that if for some crazy reason the test gave us a false negative, and we ended up with a kid with MD, that we could make peace with it. Because we did all we could. But it would still really really suck. And part of me wonders what would have happened if we had just implanted one of the girl embryos, because then the worst scenario would be having a carrier. But then I think maybe we wouldn't have even gotten pregnant to begin with because the boy they transferred was the strongest guy. Ugh. So yeah, neverending cycle of doubt with no really good answer.
Just trying to get to a place where I can accept things as they are. I need the hope to outweigh the doubt again.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
thankful but...
After reading someone else's blog this morning, I realized again how tricky the transition from "IVF blog" to "pregnancy blog" can be. I feel bad because I know most of the people who read this found me through the infertility community, but at the same time, blogging was such a good way to deal with stress during IVF that it seems silly to hang it up now. I think I also feel guilty because I was lucky enough that I did not have to endure the full-scale infertility journey that so many women have had to go through. PGD seems to hold this odd place in the blogosphere (if it even has any actual place - thus far I've only found two other bloggers whose primary "issue" (?) is PGD-related).
So anyhow, I am almost 26 weeks along now and completely thankful for the little guy growing in my uterus. And even more thankful that I feel him kicking and moving around consistently throughout the day (like right now). I wanted to type that first because above all else, I do need to keep my focus on what is really important - that we are well on our way to having the healthy baby we've desperately wanted.
That being said...I am majorly stressing out about the timing of it all. I know, I know, there is no magical non-stressful time to have a baby. But I've now put myself into a position where I feel like I must take the bar exam while trying to appropriately mother and care for a 4-month old. There are just so many unknowns and it is kind of impossible to make a truly informed decision at this point. I have no idea how long he will be sleeping at night by that point. Or how hard breastfeeding/pumping will be. Or how difficult it will be to begin the bar review courses when he is somewhere around 6-7 weeks old. Ugh.
I've considered putting off taking the bar until July (they only offer it twice a year), but that means putting the rest of our life plans on hold - it would significantly slow down our plans to move, and extremely limit my job prospects (unfortunately, DH just can't make enough to comfortably support three of us forever). Plus I'm afraid I would forget a lot of information, especially considering that I am already pretty much done with law school. I have one 3-credit class this fall. That's it. And I honestly don't care what grade I get.
Really not sure what the best thing to do is (I've already come to terms that there is no "good" option, just one that would be better than the other). Sadly, googling "bar exam newborn" brought up very little. Damn you internets!
So anyhow, I am almost 26 weeks along now and completely thankful for the little guy growing in my uterus. And even more thankful that I feel him kicking and moving around consistently throughout the day (like right now). I wanted to type that first because above all else, I do need to keep my focus on what is really important - that we are well on our way to having the healthy baby we've desperately wanted.
That being said...I am majorly stressing out about the timing of it all. I know, I know, there is no magical non-stressful time to have a baby. But I've now put myself into a position where I feel like I must take the bar exam while trying to appropriately mother and care for a 4-month old. There are just so many unknowns and it is kind of impossible to make a truly informed decision at this point. I have no idea how long he will be sleeping at night by that point. Or how hard breastfeeding/pumping will be. Or how difficult it will be to begin the bar review courses when he is somewhere around 6-7 weeks old. Ugh.
I've considered putting off taking the bar until July (they only offer it twice a year), but that means putting the rest of our life plans on hold - it would significantly slow down our plans to move, and extremely limit my job prospects (unfortunately, DH just can't make enough to comfortably support three of us forever). Plus I'm afraid I would forget a lot of information, especially considering that I am already pretty much done with law school. I have one 3-credit class this fall. That's it. And I honestly don't care what grade I get.
Really not sure what the best thing to do is (I've already come to terms that there is no "good" option, just one that would be better than the other). Sadly, googling "bar exam newborn" brought up very little. Damn you internets!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
just in case
I doubt anyone is even out there reading this, but if you are, I felt that I owed at least a short post to let the world know that everything continues to go well. 24 weeks today! Can't believe that that first injection was over six months ago! The whole process already seems like it was some strange dream (nightmare?) - my memories are so blurry and all I remember is being uncomfortable and foggy the whole time. It sucked but I am so thankful we even had an opportunity to give our baby a future that was not possible 20 years ago.
Baby is kicking away on a regular basis now. His kicks are definitely getting stronger - enough so that it is pretty distracting at times. He's already waking me up early a few time a week squirming around in there. I don't mind though, at least he's quietly waking me up at this point. :)
Baby showers are later in August and I am starting to freak out a little about not having ANYTHING yet. I assume we'll get lots at the showers but if we don't, it's going to be a lean fall. And of course I couldn't find a paying job this summer so money is not what it has been the last few years. Ah well, all he really needs is a place to sleep, right?
Baby is kicking away on a regular basis now. His kicks are definitely getting stronger - enough so that it is pretty distracting at times. He's already waking me up early a few time a week squirming around in there. I don't mind though, at least he's quietly waking me up at this point. :)
Baby showers are later in August and I am starting to freak out a little about not having ANYTHING yet. I assume we'll get lots at the showers but if we don't, it's going to be a lean fall. And of course I couldn't find a paying job this summer so money is not what it has been the last few years. Ah well, all he really needs is a place to sleep, right?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
time flies
Wow, I haven't written in a LONG time. I don't really even have a good excuse, except that once I got past the first trimester, it feels like time has just flown by. 19 weeks tomorrow! So crazy to think I could be halfway there already. All in all, things have been going really well. I had some anxiety earlier in May when my cousin lost her baby but the last several weeks have been good.
Our first ultrasound in months is tomorrow! For whatever reason, my doctor wants us to have a more comprehensive ultrasound for this appointment since apparently their machine is not as good. He also said he wants the better ultrasound done since we did IVF, which seems weird to me but whatever. The other big news is that six days ago, I started feeling the baby kick (!) so I have been less worried now that I know he is definitely in there moving around. Plus I figure that if I'm feeling it, he must be growing big enough, right? (ha, like I know anything about this baby stuff)
People still keep telling me "you don't even look pregnant!" and I swear I will punch the next person who does this. I mean, come on. My mom confirmed that people who tell me this think they are complimenting me but it is really hard to take it that way. It always feels to me like they are questioning whether I am actually pregnant (and I'm in enough personal denial over that, that I don't want anyone else questioning me). What do you say? Thanks? My other thought is always "were you completely ignoring me before? because I used to be skinny. seriously, was no one else even noticing how awesome i looked before?" LOL. :)
It might be a long time before I write again but we'll see. Might have to update with some photos if we get some good ones tomorrow. (!)
Our first ultrasound in months is tomorrow! For whatever reason, my doctor wants us to have a more comprehensive ultrasound for this appointment since apparently their machine is not as good. He also said he wants the better ultrasound done since we did IVF, which seems weird to me but whatever. The other big news is that six days ago, I started feeling the baby kick (!) so I have been less worried now that I know he is definitely in there moving around. Plus I figure that if I'm feeling it, he must be growing big enough, right? (ha, like I know anything about this baby stuff)
People still keep telling me "you don't even look pregnant!" and I swear I will punch the next person who does this. I mean, come on. My mom confirmed that people who tell me this think they are complimenting me but it is really hard to take it that way. It always feels to me like they are questioning whether I am actually pregnant (and I'm in enough personal denial over that, that I don't want anyone else questioning me). What do you say? Thanks? My other thought is always "were you completely ignoring me before? because I used to be skinny. seriously, was no one else even noticing how awesome i looked before?" LOL. :)
It might be a long time before I write again but we'll see. Might have to update with some photos if we get some good ones tomorrow. (!)
Friday, May 14, 2010
another day
So first of all, our little baby is doing just fine. :) The really bad news about my cousin's baby completely freaked me out, so instead of worrying all weekend and "sticking it out," I decided to just go in for a fetal heartbeat appointment. My clinic is awesome and lets you do this often if you feel like it - and they always have openings at the last minute since it honestly takes 3 minutes to do it. So yeah, I got to hear his heartbeat again! The doctor couldn't find it right away but it was only because the little guy was moving around so much. You could hear the different "woosh"ing noises of his movements. This was the first appointment my husband didn't come to and he was actually jealous that he missed 20 seconds of a different sort of "woosh"ing sound. What a dork.
So the other news - while walking the dogs last night, we missed two phone calls at nearly the same time. One was hubby's best friend telling us that he is now the father of a healthy baby boy. The other was my mom telling us that my cousin delivered the baby, they named him, got to hold him for a little while, and then had to say goodbye. So so sad I couldn't handle it and started crying. For some reason, it seems more real now, even thought they think he stopped growing almost a month ago. My poor cousin then had bleeding problems and ended up having d&c on top of five hours of labor. I'm heartbroken for them. We had these dreams of our kids being best buddies and I'm afraid our baby will always remind them of their loss. We sent her flowers at the hospital yesterday but I honestly don't even know what to say to someone who has gone through something like that. I am even more thankful than before that our baby is healthy.
So the other news - while walking the dogs last night, we missed two phone calls at nearly the same time. One was hubby's best friend telling us that he is now the father of a healthy baby boy. The other was my mom telling us that my cousin delivered the baby, they named him, got to hold him for a little while, and then had to say goodbye. So so sad I couldn't handle it and started crying. For some reason, it seems more real now, even thought they think he stopped growing almost a month ago. My poor cousin then had bleeding problems and ended up having d&c on top of five hours of labor. I'm heartbroken for them. We had these dreams of our kids being best buddies and I'm afraid our baby will always remind them of their loss. We sent her flowers at the hospital yesterday but I honestly don't even know what to say to someone who has gone through something like that. I am even more thankful than before that our baby is healthy.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
twilight zone
Everything seems to be going well with our growing baby - 16 weeks! Two more weeks until our next appointment, and another week after that for another ultrasound. I also bought my first new bra today and it is awesome. I jumped from a 32D to a 36C - what the hell?? I didn't even realize how uncomfortable my old bras were until I tried on the new one. Guess maybe I should have started looking into this sooner but all this maternity gear is adding up fa$t.
Unfortunately, though the last 24 hours have been a complete roller coaster. The good news is that a good friend of ours is in the process of having her baby right now. She is only one day past her due date but I guess her doctors said the baby is getting too big and needs to come out soon. I am so happy for them and can't wait to meet their little one.
The bad news, and it is really bad news, is that my cousin found out yesterday that her baby had died. She was 17.5 weeks along and they couldn't find a heartbeat. They think the baby stopped growing around week 14. To make things even worse, she is too far along for an "easy" d&c and also had to be induced to actually go through delivery. They said it could take 15-22 hours since her body is not ready to deliver yet. I honestly can't think of any greater torture right now. We are all hoping that it won't take that long, since she has successfully delivered two other kids. I am so heartbroken for her and just very sad. Just last week we were talking about how our babies could potentially be born on the same day. I have other friends who have miscarried but not this far along. It is just awful and I don't think there is much we can do to help her right now.
On top of feeling horrible for my cousin and her husband, this of course has reawakened by own paranoia. The rational part of me knows that the odds of these things happening are very low, but it still freaks me out. I just keep telling myself that I wouldn't be getting bigger and continue to have so many symptoms if our little guy wasn't growing like he is supposed to. I keep begging him to kick me really hard so that I'll finally feel him for the first time. I kind of want to make a fetal heartbeat appointment for tomorrow but it seems silly since I wasn't worried at all yesterday morning. What a day.
Unfortunately, though the last 24 hours have been a complete roller coaster. The good news is that a good friend of ours is in the process of having her baby right now. She is only one day past her due date but I guess her doctors said the baby is getting too big and needs to come out soon. I am so happy for them and can't wait to meet their little one.
The bad news, and it is really bad news, is that my cousin found out yesterday that her baby had died. She was 17.5 weeks along and they couldn't find a heartbeat. They think the baby stopped growing around week 14. To make things even worse, she is too far along for an "easy" d&c and also had to be induced to actually go through delivery. They said it could take 15-22 hours since her body is not ready to deliver yet. I honestly can't think of any greater torture right now. We are all hoping that it won't take that long, since she has successfully delivered two other kids. I am so heartbroken for her and just very sad. Just last week we were talking about how our babies could potentially be born on the same day. I have other friends who have miscarried but not this far along. It is just awful and I don't think there is much we can do to help her right now.
On top of feeling horrible for my cousin and her husband, this of course has reawakened by own paranoia. The rational part of me knows that the odds of these things happening are very low, but it still freaks me out. I just keep telling myself that I wouldn't be getting bigger and continue to have so many symptoms if our little guy wasn't growing like he is supposed to. I keep begging him to kick me really hard so that I'll finally feel him for the first time. I kind of want to make a fetal heartbeat appointment for tomorrow but it seems silly since I wasn't worried at all yesterday morning. What a day.
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