where did the time go?!?

Today our little guy turned three months old! He is officially no longer a newborn. Crazy.

I feel bad that I haven't updated at all in the last few months but jesus, babies wear. you. out. Baby K is still not sleeping through the night, which isn't surprising but still a bummer. DH and I are exhausted. I mean, we're coping and all but after several months, it really starts to get old.

But I'm not complaining! As of 10 days ago, K weighed 14 pounds. He isn't huge but he is a healthy, solid kid. He changes fast but honestly, I spend so much time with him I don't even always see it. It takes my mom or someone else exclaiming over him before I realize how quickly he is growing up. I only see the tree, certainly not the forest. :) Lately he is really starting to get fun, as he is more vocal and gaining more control of his limbs and facial expressions.

Another big milestone for me personally - I have made it to three whole months of breastfeeding. It was SO HARD for the first six weeks, I almost gave up many times. Now it isn't so bad, although I really really wish I could formula feed for just one night so someone else could feed him and I could sleep for eight hours. But honestly, when I'm home with him all day long, it is lots easier to just nurse instead of messing with bottles, etc. Plus it is saving us lots of money. Oh yeah, and helping my little guy grow big and strong. :)

Obligatory cute baby photos:

the (two week old) news

So....I haven't posted in forever. I think I have a good excuse though because our baby was born two weeks and one day ago. :) I (1) haven't had a lot of time to mess around on the computer and (2) started a family-only blog (no offense) and have been trying to put most of my energy into that.

The labor was relatively long, I needed an epidural, was able to avoid a c-section, and managed to have an 8 lb 6 oz baby. I find this amusing given how many people told me that I "looked small." Take that! My baby was in the 90th percentile for weight! Oh and yes, he is perfect. The first week I would just look at him and cry because I couldn't believe we made something so perfect. I don't cry as much now but it is still ridiculously amazing.

We struggled with breastfeeding the first several days but now are on track. At his check-up yesterday, he was already up to 8 lbs 12 oz so clearly he is getting enough to eat. We are of course exhausted but I am so very thankful my husband saved up his vacation time to spend the first couple weeks at home.

Oh and I really want to share his name but can't decide whether to do so or not. It is really unique and I still need to keep this blog relatively anonymous for career purposes. If you really want to know, you can send me an email at 20emerald09 at gmail .com. :)

Okay, so you probably only really care about photos. My brother took most of these - he is not a professional but takes photography pretty seriously so we ended up with some beautiful shots.

It is now October (yikes)

We hit 36 weeks yesterday. As if that isn't enough to send a person into pre-baby panic, I had the most B-H contractions I've ever had last night. They stopped when I drank a gallon of water and laid down but let's be honest, there is very little you can accomplish while lying on your side on the couch. I basically have a contraction every time I get up off the couch or try to do anything.

So this morning I had a doctor's appointment and I asked about the contractions. My doctor told me that if labor started now, that would be fine. I will say that again, "if labor starts now, that's fine" (!). While I am completely sick of being pregnant, I don't think I'm ready for the baby to be here.

Me: "At what point can I just ignore the contractions and just keep doing whatever it is that is I'm doing? Like, when can I go for a mile long walk and just let things go?"
Doctor: "Um, now is fine."
Me: (eyes wide, long silence) "ummm......so....the baby is big enough and strong enough??"
Doctor: "Yes. Technically you aren't full term until next week, so if you want to take it really easy for another week, you can do that. But if you'd rather not, that's fine too."

So yeah, thank god DH took the day off today because Baby Panic 2010 has hit level magenta. Nursery isn't done, our bedroom is still a mess since the crib replaced our largest dresser, hospital bag isn't totally packed, etc. etc. etc. Eep!

calm before the storm?

For whatever reason, starting this weekend I have felt really calm about everything that is about to happen. I don't know if this is normal but I really feel at peace with however the birth ends up going (although I *really* want to avoid a c-section). It's really strange because I was pretty much freaking out just a week ago. Maybe it's because I am now so uncomfortable all the time that I can't wait for the little guy to get here so I can stop carrying around 35+ extra pounds.

[side note - I cannot even imagine what it would be like to have twins and gain even more than this. Although my mom gained 60 pounds with just me!! I asked her this weekend how on earth she gained that much and she just said "oh, I just ate whatever I wanted," to which I responded "was all you wanted to eat fast food?!?" Because I eat all the time and generally eat what I want, but a lot of times that's fruit and cereal. So anyhow, my mom just shrugged and tried to blame my dad for buying her a case of Butterfingers that she asked for. Apparently she ate one entire candy bar every day near the end. Wow.]

Anyhow, I'm hoping this good feeling sticks around. I think part of it might also be because my husband was awesome this weekend and did a LOT more housework than he usually does, without me even asking him to. I mean, we made a list of chores we wanted to get done this week but I thought I'd still be stuck reminding/nagging him. It was awesome that I didn't have to. He cleaned the bathroom for the first time in at least a year! Ha. I think with him helping out more (and not complaining about it) made me more confident that we will be able to handle everything when baby gets here.

Other good things: My NP told me this week that "babies born at this age still do great" (almost 35 weeks now) which of course is a huge relief. Also, she was the one who previously was concerned with my weight. She didn't mention anything this time, except when she started the exam she said "wow, you're all baby!" - guessing this means I'm off the hook for the weight gain and also make me feel better about the constant "geez, you're not that big" comments.

Halloween

Target has officially changed over from "back to school" to Halloween. The due date is BEFORE Halloween. eep.

33 week panic

As of yesterday, we are 33 weeks along. That is insane! It's funny because earlier on in the pregnancy, you have that due date set in your head and you think you have all the time in the world. Even a month ago, I was like "whatever, I have until practically November to get things organized." Um, no. Now that it is SEPTEMBER FREAKIN' 10TH, the reality of being prepared has hit me full force. The general advice is that you should actually be 90+% ready by 36, 37 weeks, since it wouldn't be out of the question for the baby to come at any time by then. That means....yeah, I don't have until "practically November," I have three weeks! Yikes.

What makes this even harder is the ridiculously slow pace at which it physically takes me to do anything, plus the fact that I have been, on average this week, sleeping 10.5 hours per day. Believe me, you will get a LOT less done every day if your day doesn't start until basically lunch time and you move like a very large, slow turtle.

As I have been reading quite a few WTF blog entries lately, I feel the need to contribute with my own: So apparently according to the rest of the world, I "don't look that pregnant." What they mean is, 'based on my extremely limited knowledge of you and pregnancy, I judge that you are physically not as large as I expect a 33 week pregnant woman to look." Ugh. My MIL actually had the gall to tell me the other day that I am the "daintiest pregnant woman she's ever been around." WTF??! Dainty?? Do you not see me struggling to tie my shoes? When buying some baby supplies last night, there was something we needed that was on back order. The sales woman eyed me up, without asking when I was due, and said, "well, you have plenty of time to wait for it to come in." SO annoyed. I chalk this up to several things: (1) Women who were formerly pregnant remember being larger than they actually were, (2) nobody actually paid attention to how small I was to begin with, and (3) people are stupid.

The ironic part of this whole thing is that my nurse practitioner says I have gained too much weight. Yup. I am so dainty that I have already gained about 35 pounds (which for the uninitiated, is the top amount you are "supposed" to gain by the end in a singleton pregnancy). [On a side note, I felt bad about "gaining too much" for about two days and then realized I don't give a crap. I eat healthier than I did pre-pregnancy, I exercise within reason for 33 weeks (no one-hour cardio sessions, sorry), and I'm not going to ignore my body when it's telling me I'm hungry. My mom gained 60 pounds with me and lost all of it so whatever.]

baby showers!

Since I normally only complain, I thought I should post about something else for once. :)

The first shower was two weeks ago. It was hosted by my aunt and held at my parents' house, which is several hours away from our house but is much closer to a lot of my family, high school friends, and many family friends who have known me since I was a baby. One of my oldest friends (we were BFFs in 1st grade) even made the trip. It was really nice and not nearly as awkward as I had feared - and we got a ton of stuff!



Unfortunately the only photo I took was of all this "loot" on my iphone so I apologize there are no super-cute and exciting photos like most people remember to take. Oops. We didn't have any super-fancy food but my grandma did make some excellent brownies that included broken up pieces of toffee Symphony bars.

Baby showers are kind of weird because the point is mostly to get stuff, and unlike bridal showers, most of the people at the shower will not really be included in the "main event." Unlike our wedding though, we *really* needed all of the stuff and *really* needed the help financially. Me not earning any money whatsoever this year has made things a little tight, which makes me even more thankful for all of the generous family and friends we have. Which reminds me - not included in the photo are the biggest gifts, from my mom and MIL. My parents got us a crib and are also helping us pay for cloth diapers, and my in-laws bought us a stroller and car seat. HUGE relief to at least have those things!

I also have to point out, way off in the left of the photo, is the beautiful quilt my grandma made for us. It is gorgeous, and in purple & gold (Vikings colors). She must have spent a ton of time working on it and it is so cool to think that our son will have something special like that.

I know this is getting pretty long, and DH is asking me when I'll be ready to run to Target, so I'll try to wrap this up.

Shower #2 was ridiculously, fantastically perfect. :) My sister-in-law, who is also one of my best friends, hosted and she went above and beyond. The decorations, the food, the special order chocolate with peanut butter frosting cupcakes, the games - I couldn't have asked for anything better. This shower was also mostly for "all the young folks" - basically all of my law school friends. I was shocked that so many people came! And none of my friends have kids yet so they were all excited to have an excuse to buy baby stuff. It was very odd to be the one answering questions about pregnancy and babies, instead of being given unsolicited advice from 1980.

Back to today's task: Washing all of the baby clothes we received over the past two weeks. I swear to god those little plastic tag thingies are driving me insane...

useless

I've used the word "useless" more in the last few weeks than the rest of my life put together. Unfortunately, it sums up how I've been feeling about myself the past few weeks. To top it all off today, I had ONE thing that I had to do today and 100% failed. Seriously, the ONLY thing I had to do today was go see my therapist. I knew this when I got up this morning. I even had my calendar open for several hours around lunchtime. Yet I somehow completely managed to forget about it by the time the actual appointment rolled around, and then got a call from my therapist about 10 minutes after my session was supposed to start. I feel really bad about it - it costs my therapist money and it bugs me even more because it just isn't "me" to flake out and miss appointments. Hell, I am the person who gets there 15 minutes early "just in case" (in case of what, I'm not even sure). I just hate this feeling of being so undefined and out of control.

Besides today's screw-up, it's getting harder and harder to do chores. And since I am unemployed and am only a student 10% of the time, that's really all I do. I've been getting Braxton-Hicks contractions whenever I lift anything bigger than a gallon of milk, which actually limits a relatively large amount of housework. We also really need to polyurethane the new doors we installed and paint the trim for the hallway, but of course I shouldn't do those things because of the fumes (and of course DH is dragging his feet on those things, but then I feel like an unappreciative nag whenever I mention them to him since he is the one working and I'm the one sitting on my ass all day). Why do the pregnancy books fail to talk about this? It can't really be that abnormal. Although I guess I shouldn't trust the books because all of those authors seem to think women are obsessed with the whole weight gain aspect, and I couldn't care less about that.

It's weird too because I am sure there are plenty of women in the third trimester who dream of having no job, but I just really suck at handling this. My therapist pointed out last time that I've never had this much downtime in my entire adult life, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. She probably didn't know that encouraging me to embrace an easygoing lifestyle for a few months was going to cause me to miss my damn appointment. lol.

I feel bad that I pretty much only blog when I'm feeling down about something, but honestly when things are going well, I don't feel the need to write it down. I've had two wonderful baby showers in the past 10 days and I *promise* I will write about them soon (although, again, unfortunately I failed to take even one photo at the nicest one so there will not be any visual evidence).

doubt

We have reached the third trimester. Crazy. Amazing. Scary. Relieved. The books say that if he was born now, he'd still have an over 85% chance of surviving. I don't know what kind of survival this would look like, and I'm sure it would totally fricking suck, but for some reason, this makes me feel better about the whole situation.

Unfortunately, reaching this point has also forced us to arrange for a few muscular dystrophy-related tasks that will need to happen at the birth and soon-after. This of course has made me think abut the whole MD thing (you know, the entire reason I went through IVF in the first place? ha) and the slight chance that the test was wrong and our baby really does have the "bad gene." I know the chances of this are slim (like, less than 1%). And I know that the chances of some other unknown obstacle occurring are probably higher. But I still don't feel good about it. Last night it actually kept me up - for whatever reason I woke up at 5am and then the MD-worry popped in my head. *sigh*

We told ourselves at the beginning that if for some crazy reason the test gave us a false negative, and we ended up with a kid with MD, that we could make peace with it. Because we did all we could. But it would still really really suck. And part of me wonders what would have happened if we had just implanted one of the girl embryos, because then the worst scenario would be having a carrier. But then I think maybe we wouldn't have even gotten pregnant to begin with because the boy they transferred was the strongest guy. Ugh. So yeah, neverending cycle of doubt with no really good answer.

Just trying to get to a place where I can accept things as they are. I need the hope to outweigh the doubt again.

thankful but...

After reading someone else's blog this morning, I realized again how tricky the transition from "IVF blog" to "pregnancy blog" can be. I feel bad because I know most of the people who read this found me through the infertility community, but at the same time, blogging was such a good way to deal with stress during IVF that it seems silly to hang it up now. I think I also feel guilty because I was lucky enough that I did not have to endure the full-scale infertility journey that so many women have had to go through. PGD seems to hold this odd place in the blogosphere (if it even has any actual place - thus far I've only found two other bloggers whose primary "issue" (?) is PGD-related).

So anyhow, I am almost 26 weeks along now and completely thankful for the little guy growing in my uterus. And even more thankful that I feel him kicking and moving around consistently throughout the day (like right now). I wanted to type that first because above all else, I do need to keep my focus on what is really important - that we are well on our way to having the healthy baby we've desperately wanted.

That being said...I am majorly stressing out about the timing of it all. I know, I know, there is no magical non-stressful time to have a baby. But I've now put myself into a position where I feel like I must take the bar exam while trying to appropriately mother and care for a 4-month old. There are just so many unknowns and it is kind of impossible to make a truly informed decision at this point. I have no idea how long he will be sleeping at night by that point. Or how hard breastfeeding/pumping will be. Or how difficult it will be to begin the bar review courses when he is somewhere around 6-7 weeks old. Ugh.

I've considered putting off taking the bar until July (they only offer it twice a year), but that means putting the rest of our life plans on hold - it would significantly slow down our plans to move, and extremely limit my job prospects (unfortunately, DH just can't make enough to comfortably support three of us forever). Plus I'm afraid I would forget a lot of information, especially considering that I am already pretty much done with law school. I have one 3-credit class this fall. That's it. And I honestly don't care what grade I get.

Really not sure what the best thing to do is (I've already come to terms that there is no "good" option, just one that would be better than the other). Sadly, googling "bar exam newborn" brought up very little. Damn you internets!

just in case

I doubt anyone is even out there reading this, but if you are, I felt that I owed at least a short post to let the world know that everything continues to go well. 24 weeks today! Can't believe that that first injection was over six months ago! The whole process already seems like it was some strange dream (nightmare?) - my memories are so blurry and all I remember is being uncomfortable and foggy the whole time. It sucked but I am so thankful we even had an opportunity to give our baby a future that was not possible 20 years ago.

Baby is kicking away on a regular basis now. His kicks are definitely getting stronger - enough so that it is pretty distracting at times. He's already waking me up early a few time a week squirming around in there. I don't mind though, at least he's quietly waking me up at this point. :)

Baby showers are later in August and I am starting to freak out a little about not having ANYTHING yet. I assume we'll get lots at the showers but if we don't, it's going to be a lean fall. And of course I couldn't find a paying job this summer so money is not what it has been the last few years. Ah well, all he really needs is a place to sleep, right?

time flies

Wow, I haven't written in a LONG time. I don't really even have a good excuse, except that once I got past the first trimester, it feels like time has just flown by. 19 weeks tomorrow! So crazy to think I could be halfway there already. All in all, things have been going really well. I had some anxiety earlier in May when my cousin lost her baby but the last several weeks have been good.

Our first ultrasound in months is tomorrow! For whatever reason, my doctor wants us to have a more comprehensive ultrasound for this appointment since apparently their machine is not as good. He also said he wants the better ultrasound done since we did IVF, which seems weird to me but whatever. The other big news is that six days ago, I started feeling the baby kick (!) so I have been less worried now that I know he is definitely in there moving around. Plus I figure that if I'm feeling it, he must be growing big enough, right? (ha, like I know anything about this baby stuff)

People still keep telling me "you don't even look pregnant!" and I swear I will punch the next person who does this. I mean, come on. My mom confirmed that people who tell me this think they are complimenting me but it is really hard to take it that way. It always feels to me like they are questioning whether I am actually pregnant (and I'm in enough personal denial over that, that I don't want anyone else questioning me). What do you say? Thanks? My other thought is always "were you completely ignoring me before? because I used to be skinny. seriously, was no one else even noticing how awesome i looked before?" LOL. :)

It might be a long time before I write again but we'll see. Might have to update with some photos if we get some good ones tomorrow. (!)

another day

So first of all, our little baby is doing just fine. :) The really bad news about my cousin's baby completely freaked me out, so instead of worrying all weekend and "sticking it out," I decided to just go in for a fetal heartbeat appointment. My clinic is awesome and lets you do this often if you feel like it - and they always have openings at the last minute since it honestly takes 3 minutes to do it. So yeah, I got to hear his heartbeat again! The doctor couldn't find it right away but it was only because the little guy was moving around so much. You could hear the different "woosh"ing noises of his movements. This was the first appointment my husband didn't come to and he was actually jealous that he missed 20 seconds of a different sort of "woosh"ing sound. What a dork.

So the other news - while walking the dogs last night, we missed two phone calls at nearly the same time. One was hubby's best friend telling us that he is now the father of a healthy baby boy. The other was my mom telling us that my cousin delivered the baby, they named him, got to hold him for a little while, and then had to say goodbye. So so sad I couldn't handle it and started crying. For some reason, it seems more real now, even thought they think he stopped growing almost a month ago. My poor cousin then had bleeding problems and ended up having d&c on top of five hours of labor. I'm heartbroken for them. We had these dreams of our kids being best buddies and I'm afraid our baby will always remind them of their loss. We sent her flowers at the hospital yesterday but I honestly don't even know what to say to someone who has gone through something like that. I am even more thankful than before that our baby is healthy.

twilight zone

Everything seems to be going well with our growing baby - 16 weeks! Two more weeks until our next appointment, and another week after that for another ultrasound. I also bought my first new bra today and it is awesome. I jumped from a 32D to a 36C - what the hell?? I didn't even realize how uncomfortable my old bras were until I tried on the new one. Guess maybe I should have started looking into this sooner but all this maternity gear is adding up fa$t.

Unfortunately, though the last 24 hours have been a complete roller coaster. The good news is that a good friend of ours is in the process of having her baby right now. She is only one day past her due date but I guess her doctors said the baby is getting too big and needs to come out soon. I am so happy for them and can't wait to meet their little one.

The bad news, and it is really bad news, is that my cousin found out yesterday that her baby had died. She was 17.5 weeks along and they couldn't find a heartbeat. They think the baby stopped growing around week 14. To make things even worse, she is too far along for an "easy" d&c and also had to be induced to actually go through delivery. They said it could take 15-22 hours since her body is not ready to deliver yet. I honestly can't think of any greater torture right now. We are all hoping that it won't take that long, since she has successfully delivered two other kids. I am so heartbroken for her and just very sad. Just last week we were talking about how our babies could potentially be born on the same day. I have other friends who have miscarried but not this far along. It is just awful and I don't think there is much we can do to help her right now.

On top of feeling horrible for my cousin and her husband, this of course has reawakened by own paranoia. The rational part of me knows that the odds of these things happening are very low, but it still freaks me out. I just keep telling myself that I wouldn't be getting bigger and continue to have so many symptoms if our little guy wasn't growing like he is supposed to. I keep begging him to kick me really hard so that I'll finally feel him for the first time. I kind of want to make a fetal heartbeat appointment for tomorrow but it seems silly since I wasn't worried at all yesterday morning. What a day.

"the second trimester is the best!"

14 weeks today! Hard to believe that starting tomorrow I can read about what happens in Week 15 without skipping ahead. Time went so slowly at the beginning but now I feel like we are starting to pick up speed. Partially it's because yesterday marked the six-month mark before the due date. That's right. Six months. That is not that long and we have SO much to do! Also I have no idea what I even need to do. There are all these books on being pregnant and about babies, but I spent 45 minutes at Borders yesterday and couldn't find one book that told you how to get prepared. I know I need so many things but since I've never done this before, I don't even know what those things are. It seems like every day I come across some device or product that is apparently essential, but that I didn't even know existed (ex. nipple cream, bottle sanitization products, etc.).

As for the title of this post, everywhere I read and everyone I talked to kept telling me that "the second trimester is the best!" I subconsciously took this to mean that the second trimester was closer to "normal." Ha! All it means is that the symptoms are not quite as annoying as the ones before and after. I am still sleeping at least 9.5 hours a day, which I thought would get better but now am a little worried that maybe I am slightly anemic (we don't eat a lot of meat, and my typical meat intake was mostly in the form of cold cuts, which are now on the "NO" list). Don't get me wrong, I am thankful every day that I am pregnant but that doesn't mean it is *entirely* enjoyable. :)

So of all the dumb pregnancy related thoughts that have flitted through my head, one of the dumbest occurred earlier this week. As I was getting dressed one morning, I thought to myself "geez, it's like I'm getting a tiny bit bigger every single day!" Ummm....duh? Even right after I thought it, I was like "um, that's because you are, genius." Maybe I can blame this on "pregnancy brain"? :)

cruising (12w5d)

Even though I mostly started this blog as an outlet for myself, I realized this morning that I better post soon or the handful of people who actually read my blabbering might wonder what happened to me. :) Anyhow...

You're reading that correctly - 12 weeks + 5 days! Woo hoo! After hitting the 12 week mark last week, we went in for a quick appointment so we could finally hear the heartbeat. We heard it, and it was perfect, and thus I had to uphold my end of the bargain and let the secret out. It's been KILLING my parents and in-laws to keep this secret for the past two months and they were finally allowed to tell the world as of last Friday. I was happy we waited though because I called some other family members and friends over the weekend and I was actually happy to do so! (instead of cringing inside and worrying)

It was so cool how excited some of my family and friends were to hear our big news. It also made everything more real. I mean, yikes, we'll have a baby in just six months! I am typically a very Type-A organized person and there is A LOT that needs to happen relatively soon. As soon as I am done with my finals this semester, Operation Baby Prep begins in earnest. And btw, focusing on fricking school right now is practically impossible. Who cares about memorizing income tax code sections when you can contemplate buying things like this? (um, hello, puppies!! so cute!)

the (first) home stretch

I'm 11w4d today - that magic day when I hit 12 weeks is Thursday. I am really excited about reaching this milestone but also starting to get nervous again. There is part of me that is just waiting for someone to jump out and say "just kidding! you thought you'd be so lucky that this would work the first time??!? muahahahaha!" The rational part of my brain knows this is stupid. Every ultrasound has been great, at the last one at 10 weeks the little one was healthy and growing along perfectly - even moving around like crazy.

Despite all this, I can't shake this vague sense that something could be wrong and I wouldn't even know right away. I think part of the problem is that I don't know how to handle good things happening to me. I've had so many awful things happen to me in my lifetime that it's much more comfortable to deal with crisis than it is to be content with life.

To help allay my fears and hopefully allow myself to truly be excited about this, I made a technically unnecessary appointment for Friday with my doctor just to hear the heartbeat. We didn't actually get to hear it last time since it was still pretty early and I think if I hear the heartbeat once we've hit the 12 week mark, I'll feel like we're out of the woods. I thought for sure my doctor would need some reason for an extraneous appointment but apparently I didn't even need to ask - I just needed to make the appt. Thank god there have been many neurotic pregnant women before me!

In the "yes, we have progress" department - I bought my first maternity clothing this weekend. I've been wearing the same pair of low-rise jeans for the past several weeks and decided it was time. I think I actually have a bump now! It's small but it's definitely a different shape than the glorified roll of chubbiness I've been sporting for the past month. :)

No reason to worry about the heartbeat appt on Friday but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed just in case.

10w2d

We had another appointment yesterday morning and it was awesome. :) The appointment was mostly just for us to discuss different kinds of prenatal testing, and also so we could meet our actual MD (up until now, all of my contact has been with my NP). We actually didn't discuss the testing very long, as it turns out DH and I are relatively well-informed about these things already.

So then Dr. N asked if we had any more questions, and I asked if we could hear the heartbeat yet. He had the doppler thing sitting right next to him and says "sure!" (I was like, "really, that's the thing we're using to hear the heartbeat?!?" it's so primitive!! it looks like something a news reporter from 1975 would use to tape interviews with witnesses. anyhow...) And of course he couldn't find the heartbeat. He told me even before he started that if we couldn't hear it, I shouldn't panic. So then after a few minutes of not being able to find it, he again told me not to panic and that we'd do another ultrasound. It's funny but I actually wasn't panicking - I've been getting bigger and still have lots of symptoms and part of me really was sure that our embie was still okay.

The ultrasound was amazing! (it was also fantastic because we are done with the probe. yay!) Even though I couldn't immediately see the beating heart on the screen, embie was moving around A LOT. So I knew everything was okay, because tiny beings without beating hearts cannot kick like that! The tech was then able to find the heart and the rate was perfect. Dr. N came with us and told us everything looked excellent. The measurements were also perfect, measuring exactly 10w1d. I am so thankful that embie was hiding from us with the doptone so we would get to sneak a peek again. :)

I finally feel like it's okay to call our little one a baby because that is definitely a little human growing in me. Yes, reality is really starting to hit me. Up until yesterday, there was still a big part of me stuck in "this isn't really happening" mode. I'm also starting to show a tiny bit, which is exciting and scary (my brother yesterday: "you're getting fat." Me: (unamused silence) Brother: "well...umm... not really fat....you know what i mean." Me: *sigh* Clearly my brother has never been married!).

Despite the good news yesterday, I am still waiting until we hit 12 weeks to tell everyone else. This is driving my parents and in-laws crazy but it's less than two weeks away so they can suck it up. It's not even that I'm worried as much about miscarriage as I was before, it's just that I need another two weeks to get used to this whole "yup, there is a living human growing inside of me" thing.

9 weeks

Wow. It is hard to believe that it has been over six weeks since the transfer. On the other hand, I can't believe I am "only" nine weeks along. I guess that's to be expected when your hormonal journey begins three weeks before you even get pregnant.

I am feeling a little less anxious, at least most of the time. I think the further we get, the more I am learning to accept and trust that everything will be fine. I am definitely still dying for that 12 week mark though! Setting that goal, and waiting until then to really start telling everyone, has really helped. I no longer worry about whether I should tell or not tell, and I think by waiting, I will actually be really excited about telling everyone.

Not that I'm not excited now; it's just that I haven't truly accepted that yes, I am pregnant. Really. It just still seems unbelievable to me, despite my pants not fitting and my inability to eat anything besides Corn Pops before 1pm. I am hoping that in three weeks I'll sort of be showing a little bit more so I can phase more easily into "yup, i'm pregnant and not fat" mode. (on a side note, i don't care that i look fat. i just don't want anyone to guess what's going on before i'm ready to tell them.)

I finally finished my progesterone this week. As much as I am glad to be done with the hassle, part of me is a tiny bit worried just in case it was actually accomplishing something. If the doctors got me this far, I guess I should just continue to trust their judgment.

Real life continues to stay busy, which is probably good. However, I am really looking forward to warm weather and this semester being over.

8 weeks, and all is well :)

We had our first official OB appointment today. Things started off a little shaky when I managed to somehow mess up peeing in a cup. I have always hated doing this; I always feel like the cup is too small and I don't have enough pee. And I was an idiot and peed right before we left the house so, yeah, the nurse in the lab was not impressed with my pitiful output. I ended up having to down 10 little cups of water back in the waiting room so that I could pee again. I felt like a *total* idiot. Anyhow...

The awesome news was that this first appointment was with my usual NP. I was not expecting much from this appointment -basically talking, poking around, blood draw, that kind of boring stuff. Near the beginning, when we were just talking about things, she asked how the spotting was going. I told her it's still been happening but nothing any different from before. So she says "well, let's do an ultrasound then so you can make it until we listen to the heartbeat in two weeks?" Yay!!! We weren't expecting to actually see our little embie again until like Week 20. Did I mention how awesome my NP is?? And she even wanted to come with us to meet the little one.

This ultrasound was AMAZING! I could not believe how much growth happened in one frickin' week! It went from a total bean-blob to something completely recognizable. We could immediately see the head, the arms and legs, and that beating heart. I am SO SO happy that we got to see embie again. And on top of that, my NP told me if I was ever feeling really worried, she'd order an ultrasound or doptone (once we hit 10 weeks) every week if I needed it. She totally understands what we've been through and I am so thankful.