finally

I think today I finally reached the point where the pregnancy symptoms are more noticeable than the OHSS symptoms. Yay! It's still rough in the mornings but I made it through this entire day without tylenol. I'm still going to take it easy for awhile though, as I don't want to aggravate things again. It is SO much easier to be in a positive mood when I'm not in near-constant pain and/or discomfort.

We are now in Week 6 (!). According to the baby books, lots is going on in there right now. The IVF/PGD process seemed like weird science when this all started but pregnancy itself is amazing. It's hard to believe so much is changing every day, while on the outside I appear normal enough that even when I turn down wine at a party, none of my friends are suspicious. ;)

Watching the tail end of the closing ceremonies. It seems like they'll let anyone who ever released an album and who is also Canadian perform. The drop off from Neil Young to Simple Plan, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback is kind of depressing, but at least those Canadians are good at hockey! (btw, the game today was great - I am so proud of Team USA for holding their own and pushing it into OT)

you, stay here. you, go away.

I feel guilty that I am not happily basking in the glow of growing my little embie but this OHSS thing is really getting to me now. I did *absolutely nothing* for three entire days - no driving, wore only pajamas, never left the house to even grab the mail. I, apparently naively, thought this would buy me a couple hours of class yesterday night. I made it through class but by the time I got home, I felt awful. And the fact that I felt awful now makes me scared to leave the house today because I certainly don't want to make this worse. This would sort of be a problem because (1) I have an interview for a summer clerkship later this morning, and (2) I have already missed my Tuesday class three times in the past three weeks.

Also, as I had feared, none of the pants for my suits fit. I can't button any of them. I thought of sending my husband to Target last night at 9:30 to try to find some last-minute black maternity pants but then I realized they would never match my suit jacket so it was a lost cause anyhow. Instead, I am planning to not tuck in my shirt and use a safety pin to close the gap (at least I can get the zipper up). Call me classy! The interview is only supposed to last 30 minutes so hopefully nobody notices anything weird during that small amount of time.

Despite all of the OHSS nonsense, I've been trying to send good vibes to my embie each day. I can't wait for our first ultrasound in two weeks. Tomorrow we hit five weeks! The days are going by pretty slowly but I know that each day brings us closer and closer to a healthy baby this fall. Guess I just have to keep my eyes on the prize, OHSS or not.

oh, ohss

First the good news - my second beta was 205, so exactly where we wanted it to be! I think I finally have to come to terms with the fact that I really and truly am pregnant. It still doesn't seem real.

Unfortunately, one of the reasons it doesn't seem real is that any potential early pregnancy symptoms are currently masked by this damn OHSS. I keep reminding myself that I'm not mad at my ovaries though, since they did their job and got us lots of eggs. I just wish they would take a break now! We were back at the clinic today for another ultrasound and blood tests. My red count has improved but the fluid level and ovary sizes have stayed the same since Wednesday. Not great news, but at least it's not getting worse. I also got a temporary handicapped parking pass so I'm not stuck trying to drag my laptop bag & text books six blocks to class through the snow and mess all week. After years of being the handicapped parking police for my brother, it was weird to ask for one for myself when I appear "fine" on the outside.

It's crazy to me that at this point, I just have to assume everything is going fine with the pregnancy until our first ultrasound on March 8th. I'm so used to people monitoring me constantly at this point that the idea of no check-ups for two weeks just blows my mind. I suppose now though I am at least in the same boat as all other pregnant women, in that you just have to hope for the best and assume your little embie is growing along fine.

More couch time for me all weekend - hopefully some of this fluid will leave my body so I can focus on enjoying being pregnant! :)

!!! (great news + some not-so-great news)

I'm pregnant!!! My hcg was 99, at 8dp5dt. The news was given to us somewhat oddly, as we saw a different doctor than the two we normally see and he was apparently unaware that we did a blast transfer so wouldn't tell me whether I was pregnant or not because he thought we were too close to the hcg trigger. Five minutes later the nurses came in congratulating us - um, confusing! I made them tell me three different times that I was pregnant. Ha! And then two minutes after leaving the clinic the doctor called my cell to tell me the good news, which he realized when he was typing up his notes. Thank god for nurses!

The bad news is that I officially have "mild to moderate" OHSS. Back to the couch for me! I am supposed to stay at home as much as possible and keep really low activity. I also have to monitor all kinds of fun things - weigh, girth, urine output, etc. Up until now, I don't think the reality of worrying about my own health had hit me. I was so caught up with wanting to be pregnant that I forgot to worry about myself. I'm now pondering whether I need to drop one of my classes, since the doctor said at most it would be best for me to only attend one class a day. I'm also supposed to keep at this low-activity, urine-measuring routine for at least a week (and possibly longer, as my hcg will hopefully continue to rise).

Good thing we had such great news otherwise! Reality has definitely not set in yet. We go back in two days for another ultrasound and bloodwork so maybe it will seem more real after that. :)

the drama continues

The bloating hasn't improved so I called my clinic this morning. They told me to call if things got worse, and about 45 minutes later, after attempting to eat breakfast, it got worse. So I called back and now we are scheduled to come in tomorrow for a day-early beta and ultrasound!

I am really excited but also pretty freaked out about my own health right now. I was in a lot of pain this morning, considering how great I've been feeling the last couple days. Although obviously I don't want to end up hospitalized, fingers crossed this is mild OHSS due to me being pregnant.

I have no idea how I will handle it if it turns out I'm not preggo. If the worst happens, I'm just going to try to focus on the fact that we have four frozen embryos. This agonizing waiting limbo just got amped up even more - super.

the 2ww sucks

Oh how I wish we could fast-forward to Thursday! At this point I just want to know. I've had some symptoms today but I have no idea what's causing them or whether I'm willing them to exist (although I know the bloating is definitely occurring, since I had to walk around all day with a long t-shirt pulled down over my unbuttoned jeans). Seriously, I didn't think I was going to need to buy new pants for at least a couple weeks - and I have two job interviews next week so I may just need to bite the bullet and buy something more forgiving.

So we ended up having to tell the waiter last night that I was pregnant. It really caught me off guard but I guess maybe it wasn't that rude (or was it?) considering that I immediately said I didn't need the wine list and then started grilling him about the pasteurization of the cheese in the salad. He asked if I was "expecting" and I didn't know what to do but say yes - guess I'm taking this Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise thing to its limit!

Guess I'm just happy to make it through another day. I'm so desperate to know that I was actively wishing to wake up nauseous this morning.

5dp5dt

I decided I better use the fancy title for once. I remember when I first started exploring all the IVF blogs and couldn't figure out what the hell that combination of letters and numbers were about. Guess I've earned it now. :)

Physically I am feeling great, although almost woefully normal. I really want my body to just tell me whether the little embie is nestled in or not!... though I know any symptoms could be caused by pregnancy, progesterone, or my period so it really wouldn't do me any good to feel something.

It didn't hit me completely until this weekend that if I am truly pregnant, then I need to revamp what I'm eating. I typically eat healthier than the average person but I know I am missing a lot. And the prenatal don't-eat-that list is so frickin' long! And confusing - no herbal tea (isn't most tea sort of herbal?), no deli meat (what about leftovers? what about stuff not directly from the deli?), some cheese but not others, ugh. My husband is typically the one that cooks at our house and this morning I caught him reading the baby book - which he has thus far not done. It was so sweet. He was reading the nutrition chapter so he could come up with some good meals for us. :)

The waiting is getting hard now - I can tell it gets worse each day. Luckily today I went to a hockey game with my mom (Christmas gift from my bro). We were in Row 3! It was a lot of fun and a great distraction. Tonight we're heading to a great local organic restaurant for a late Valentine's Day meal. We hadn't planned to do anything this year since this last month has been so crazy but I changed my mind at 10am this morning and managed to score us a reservation at 8:00pm tonight.

Because of the PGD, we know the sex of the blast that was transferred. Our parents know that we know but we are keeping it a secret for now. And up until yesterday, our parents had surprised me by not trying to make us crack. The other night, while talking to my dad on the phone, he made a comment about how excited my mother-in-law will be with a little girl (she had all boys) and then later he said something about how "Scorpio boys" are supposed to be a handful. I learned yesterday from my mom that he was making gender-specific comments because he was hoping I'd slip up and tell him our secret! And here I was proud of how he wasn't being nosy. :)

dumb dog

One minor, hopefully meaningless, setback last night. We were dog-sitting for my brother's labrador retriever yesterday, and in his excitement to see me when I got home from class, he jumped up and pushed my tummy with his paw. It really wasn't too hard but it terrified me that he could have somehow caused some damage to the little embie. He hit me kind of high (above the belly button) and I think more than anything it just surprised me, but I was in a terrible mood for awhile after. Stupid dog! I know he didn't know what he was doing but I seriously hated him for the next hour.

Just trying to move on and assume all is still fine. It would take more than that to knock loose our tough little blast right? I also keep thinking that if four more of them survived outside of me, the chances that the one they transferred is also thriving are pretty good.

Even though I'm still really happy we made it this far, and I know I have to wait one more week for the beta, I wish there was a way to know sooner. I don't want to "walk myself to that cliff" (as one of my docs would say) but at the same time, it just seems like positive, PUPO thoughts are the best way to go. "Good vibes" can reach inside the uterus, right? :)

four

Just got off the phone with my clinic and they froze FOUR more blasts today!! Yay! When we left after the transfer yesterday, they had thought it would be three at most, if that, so we are ecstatic that we got four. It makes me even more happy and relaxed.

Also, despite my desire to continue my couch laziness, it felt great to put on some nice clothes today and go into student-attorney mode instead of crazy hormone-crazed IVF mode. I was also really pleased with myself for picking up a shirt a few months ago that I knew would be great at hiding any bloating. It's funny too because I also had to dig out the "fat pants" that I almost gave away last month because they were "way too big" for me - not right now!

I know it seems crazy that I am not going insane waiting until the beta next week. Honestly, I thought I'd be going nuts too. But the reason I'm not is because never in my entire life has it ever even been possible that I was pregnant. Because of the disease, I have always used 2 and sometimes 3 forms of birth control. So I've never legitimately tried to be pregnant before. I've never been able to even imagine before so I'm enjoying it while I can.

never been this excited to wait before

The transfer went well! We had one good healthy MD-free blast to transfer this afternoon. Because the type of MD that I'm a carrier of is X-linked, we also know the sex, which is so crazy. Although 9 of the 14 embryos were MD-free, not all of them survived to blast stage. At this point, there is one smaller unaffected blast and two that might make it by tomorrow afternoon. If so, we could have up to three to freeze for later (fingers crossed!). It was also pretty intense, since because of yesterday's drama we didn't get the genetic results until 10 minutes before I checked in for pre-op. SO crazy but so exciting!

We are focusing on being super positive and super healthy now. We safely made it home despite the bad roads and I'm camped out on the couch. I do have to go in for a few hours tomorrow to meet with a new client but other than that I'm taking it really easy. Sticking to bedrest when I'm home, which is like 20 hours a day.

I feel so amazing right now, since we've never technically tried to get pregnant before because of the disease. I already quit caffeine and alcohol a few months ago but now I think I'm cutting out all the other crap until we know whether it "stuck." Blood test on the 18th - eek! And now that I don't physically feel like shit anymore, I'm scheduling all kinds of laid back fun time with my friends and family.

On our honeymoon, we stayed in this amazing B&B in Boulder, CO with the most spectacular mattress, down comforter and pillows. It's been five and a half years and we still talk about how amazing that bed was. I like to imagine that that's how little embie feels right now. :)

found

Thank god. Longest four hours of my life. Delta Airlines sucks. Transfer is now at 3pm tomorrow!!

un-freaking-believable

Of all the things I've imagined going wrong, this was not one of them...

I called the genetics lab this afternoon "just to ease my mind" and hear someone say that they are running the tests on our embryo cells. The guy asked for my last name, puts me on hold for five seconds, and then tells me that there was some kind of shipping problem. WTF?!??!? I had not heard ANYTHING from my clinic or the lab until I randomly took the initiative to ask what I thought was a totally harmless question. I pretty much hung up on the guy, called my clinic, and told them straight-out that I was panicking and somebody needed to tell me what the hell was going on.

After 10 agonizing minutes waiting for the main lab doc to call me back, I learned that the container with our samples didn't make it on the original flight out of Minneapolis this morning. So it got put on the next flight, which was delayed because of the snow, but now NOBODY CAN TELL ME EXACTLY WHERE THE CONTAINER IS. Seriously??? I now made the nurse, the lab guy, and the genetics lab promise to call me as soon as anyone knows anything, it's been an hour, and nobody has called me. Oh and by the way, this means there is no possible way to do the transfer tomorrow. Yup. Everyone assures me six day transfers are totally normal and that nothing bad will happen because of this, but as of right now I still have no reassurance that the container has reached the lab. It takes over 17 hours to run the tests so....yeah, we are kind of under-the-gun here. And if it doesn't get there in time, we have to freeze all of them without transferring. I looked online and flights have been leaving here all day long (although delayed). I really hope the airline realizes that this isn't like losing my freaking vacation luggage. Everyone so far has told me that the party at fault here is Delta Airlines. I hope they have enough money in case I need to sue the shit out of them.

I feel like I am living in a really bad LIfetime movie. I know this isn't the worst possible thing that could happen but it still feels ridiculously awful and I am so pissed that I have no control over this. If I'd known things would get this messed up, I would have bought DH a ticket there so he could have carried it himself. Oh and of course everyone keeps telling me how important it is that I not be stressed out right now, for fertility's sake.

Back to waiting around for the phone to ring....

14 is my new lucky number

The doctor from the lab called me back this morning, apparently he never got the message that he was supposed to call me yesterday. Anyhow, I don't even care anymore because 14 of the embryos are still growing strong and were successfully biopsied! I talked to the guy who actually did the biopsies yesterday and he said they are all impressed with how well the embryos are growing. They were all at least eight cells and he said they are actually growing better than normal. Yay! He even mentioned how they are pretty sure there will be extras to freeze, which is awesome because we are only transferring one this first time.

Upon learning this information via text message this morning, my husband replied (in a shout-out to the movie Juno) that "our babies must want to 'get born'!" He is such a dork. :) We were talking yesterday about how crazy it is to think that our genes are combined right now and that our future baby is hopefully technically in existence right now. It's even crazier to think that the little embies are 90 minutes away. I am definitely feeling the drive to get at least one of them back where it belongs - in my welcoming uterus! Haha.

SO nice to have some good news today. The biopsied cells should be at the genetics lab by now but it takes OVER 17 HOURS to run the tests! Which means there is a team of doctors working around the clock and we won't actually know how many of the embies are MD-free until we get to the hospital tomorrow morning. But odds are we will get about 7! I was so excited this morning that I actually changed into jeans instead of sweatpants (although they are now unbuttoned for comfort's sake). :)

relief

Thank god. Today was SO much better. I'm still tired and uncomfortable but the really annoying pain seems to have subsided. Very very happy that I don't seem to be having any more OHSS symptoms to be concerned about. This morning I was actually able to sleep in a bit - first time in ten days because the rest of the time I wake up so uncomfortable that I've felt the need to just get up, shower and move to the couch. HUGE relief today on the "me" front.

As for the embies, still no word on how they are doing. I was assured on Friday that someone from the lab would call me this afternoon to let me know how many were big enough to be biopsied and sent to the genetics lab for PGD testing. Nurse: "Oh it shouldn't be a problem. The lab told me someone will call you Sunday afternoon and let you know how many samples were couriered to Detroit. Is this the number they should call?" I sat around all afternoon waiting for the phone to ring, and the only person who called was my brother to talk about our Super Bowl food. I'm pretty annoyed but at this point, realize there is absolutely nothing I can do about it until tomorrow morning. *sigh*

The good news is that I got a message on the "lab call" system that we are set for the transfer on Tuesday morning. I am taking this as a positive sign, since there must be embryos growing properly in order for them to go ahead and schedule that. Trying to focus on that positive!

Finally, as I mentioned before, our clinic is 90 minutes away on a good weather day. Too bad we live in the Midwest and it is February because we're now in a winter storm watch until Tuesday morning. So yeah, now I have to miss my evening class again tomorrow so we can leave early and try to avoid the worst of it. The last thing I need right now is to end up in the ditch, but DH has promised me he will get me there tomorrow night so we'll be ready to go in the morning. It's times like these that I wonder, why do I live here?

i'm a wreck

This has been the worst day thus far, at least when it comes to pain. In the past 36 hours, I hit two new lows: I went out in public (to Chipotle, no less!) in sweatpants (with writing on the ass!) AND I had to ask my mother-in-law to help me clean the house. Yeah, pretty pathetic. Although I am definitely thankful for mom-in-law's help, it truly pained me to admit I couldn't take care of my own grimy house. (Note to self: If you ever do IVF again, be sure to clean the house before starting injections because it will only get worse) You may be wondering why DH did not do the cleaning? The poor man has been working, doing my bidding, cooking my dinner, being woken up by my tossing and turning every night, and fighting a nasty cold for the past five days. Poor guy! So I okay'ed the plan to call in the reinforcements.

So yeah, the pain. Why didn't anyone tell me the pain could be worse *after* the retrieval?! I stupidly assumed that taking things out would make me feel less bloated. Ha! None of the people involved in my medical care warned me of this, and then they get annoyed when I call the on-call RE on a Saturday. *sigh* I'm one of those people that can take quite a lot of pain and BS if I have the opportunity to brace myself, but I had no idea this was coming. It's come to this: I'm thankful that I can still button my pants (I put real pants on today - shocker!) and at least the RE doesn't seem to think it is severe enough OHSS to warrant putting off the transfer (which I am kind of scared of). I have no other symptoms besides the bloating, haven't gained weight, ovaries themselves don't hurt, etc. but oh my god do I ever want my body back. And while I'm at it, I'd like my mind back too! (I've cried at least 20 times today)

(One of my dogs is attempting to make a nest on the floor right now with a blanket. He keeps grabbing the edge of the blanket with his mouth to arrange it, while pushing the rest of it around with his paws. This is now the highlight of my day.)

I think from now on I just have to start totally believing that this will happen for us eventually. Because it is just too much to take without believing it will be worth it in the end.

----

I forgot to add: Thank you so much for the encouraging comments! Knowing I am not alone with this means a lot.

waiting and worrying

So only 16 of the eggs fertilized. I am pretty bummed out about this, especially since it actually means we probably have 8. The smaller that number gets, the more scared I get that we won't end up with any MD-free eggs that make it to Day 5. And even though I know that likely 50% will have the bad gene, what if we have bad luck and it is more than that? Or what if the ones that survive are all the ones with MD, and the ones that don't make it were the ones that were unaffected? I know I have absolutely no control over this, and worrying won't actually accomplish anything, but I can't stop myself.

I did call and talk to one of the nurses and she assured me that 16 was normal and nobody is concerned about it on their end so that helps a little bit. Also, my ovaries felt like shit this morning and I guess that's going to stick around for awhile. It's hard to set aside my worrying when my body is constantly reminding me of what we're going through. Also, I am now officially falling behind in school after an entire week of accomplishing pretty much nothing. It's going to be a LONG weekend.

i survived. :)

And so did 32 of my eggs! I am so excited that we got so many - I know they won't all fertilize, and I know chances are that half of them will have the "bad" gene, but 32 seems great to me. (Up until five days ago, I thought we would have been really happy with 20) It feels so great to get past this part of the process. It is such a huge relief that those little eggies I've been incubating are finally safely in the lab and no longer fully my responsibility. :)

I can also already tell that I feel less bloated, which is fantastic. I took a long nap this afternoon lying on my side, something I've been wanting to do for over a week but couldn't. Thank god for the small things, right?

There was quite the crowd at the retrieval. Is it normal for 4+ doctors to hang around?? I think two of them were residents, but it still seemed like a lot. I guess it makes sense though - we've definitely gotten the impression that we are "an interesting case" since they don't do tons of PGD cases and we are so "young." Which, by the way, I find hilarious that everyone is always exclaiming at how young I am. Infertility World is the only place that ever happens.

I'm still feeling (emotionally) really good after this morning but all that waiting is still hovering over me. Yay.

the final (egg) countdown

We're in the hotel, two blocks away from the hospital, and 8.5 hours from check-in time. I keep reminding myself that a lot more has to go right for us, but I am really excited to get past this step. I'm not even that freaked out about the procedure itself since I know I'll be out of it while it's going on.

The hcg shot last night went fine, and was actually really amusing. My trusty brother-in-law the doctor and his wife came over for dinner (we bought chinese) and then it was shot time! It was kind of funny to see him in "doctor mode." I was glad right away that I asked him to do it - it was clear that he was completely comfortable with mixing the medication, prepping the syringe, etc. Unfortunately, however, I will now have to endure "hey remember that time J. poked Kelly in the ass?" jokes from my family. Guess it could be worse. :)

Fingers crossed for lots of healthy eggs tomorrow!!

yay!

We got the go-ahead for the hcg - woo-hoo! I know there is a lot more that has to continue to go right for us, but I am so excited to get to this huge step.

Obviously I've never done this before and I'm not a doctor, but my follies seemed frickin' huge. There were at least 32 measurable today. I think even G. was shocked at how much those little things can grow in just two days. I'm a little freaked out about my first IM shot tonight but know it will be fine. The plan is for my brother-in-law the doctor to administer it, since poor G. hates needles and blood. G. claims he can do it if he absolutely has to, but I think we're both relieved that my brother-in-law offered to do it. We are also buying my siblings-in-law dinner tonight as a thank-you since they are also taking care of our dogs tomorrow night. Even though my RE is "only" 90 minutes away, I have to be there at 6:30am on Thursday so we're staying in a hotel just in case the roads are bad. So many things to get arranged in the next couple hours!

Odd coincidence of the day: I finally got changed back into my sweatpants, plopped myself on the couch, and turned on the TV... just as a Law & Order SVU episode started involving stolen embryos from an infertility clinic. So weird! As I type, Olivia and Elliot are watching a doctor remove a cell for PGD! What the hell! Anyhow, now I have to watch this and see how many facts about PGD are misconstrued....

(PS - I am still physically pretty uncomfortable but am so emotionally uplifted by getting the go-ahead and no more shots for awhile, that I am trying to ignore the discomfort)