the (two week old) news

So....I haven't posted in forever. I think I have a good excuse though because our baby was born two weeks and one day ago. :) I (1) haven't had a lot of time to mess around on the computer and (2) started a family-only blog (no offense) and have been trying to put most of my energy into that.

The labor was relatively long, I needed an epidural, was able to avoid a c-section, and managed to have an 8 lb 6 oz baby. I find this amusing given how many people told me that I "looked small." Take that! My baby was in the 90th percentile for weight! Oh and yes, he is perfect. The first week I would just look at him and cry because I couldn't believe we made something so perfect. I don't cry as much now but it is still ridiculously amazing.

We struggled with breastfeeding the first several days but now are on track. At his check-up yesterday, he was already up to 8 lbs 12 oz so clearly he is getting enough to eat. We are of course exhausted but I am so very thankful my husband saved up his vacation time to spend the first couple weeks at home.

Oh and I really want to share his name but can't decide whether to do so or not. It is really unique and I still need to keep this blog relatively anonymous for career purposes. If you really want to know, you can send me an email at 20emerald09 at gmail .com. :)

Okay, so you probably only really care about photos. My brother took most of these - he is not a professional but takes photography pretty seriously so we ended up with some beautiful shots.

It is now October (yikes)

We hit 36 weeks yesterday. As if that isn't enough to send a person into pre-baby panic, I had the most B-H contractions I've ever had last night. They stopped when I drank a gallon of water and laid down but let's be honest, there is very little you can accomplish while lying on your side on the couch. I basically have a contraction every time I get up off the couch or try to do anything.

So this morning I had a doctor's appointment and I asked about the contractions. My doctor told me that if labor started now, that would be fine. I will say that again, "if labor starts now, that's fine" (!). While I am completely sick of being pregnant, I don't think I'm ready for the baby to be here.

Me: "At what point can I just ignore the contractions and just keep doing whatever it is that is I'm doing? Like, when can I go for a mile long walk and just let things go?"
Doctor: "Um, now is fine."
Me: (eyes wide, long silence) "ummm......so....the baby is big enough and strong enough??"
Doctor: "Yes. Technically you aren't full term until next week, so if you want to take it really easy for another week, you can do that. But if you'd rather not, that's fine too."

So yeah, thank god DH took the day off today because Baby Panic 2010 has hit level magenta. Nursery isn't done, our bedroom is still a mess since the crib replaced our largest dresser, hospital bag isn't totally packed, etc. etc. etc. Eep!

calm before the storm?

For whatever reason, starting this weekend I have felt really calm about everything that is about to happen. I don't know if this is normal but I really feel at peace with however the birth ends up going (although I *really* want to avoid a c-section). It's really strange because I was pretty much freaking out just a week ago. Maybe it's because I am now so uncomfortable all the time that I can't wait for the little guy to get here so I can stop carrying around 35+ extra pounds.

[side note - I cannot even imagine what it would be like to have twins and gain even more than this. Although my mom gained 60 pounds with just me!! I asked her this weekend how on earth she gained that much and she just said "oh, I just ate whatever I wanted," to which I responded "was all you wanted to eat fast food?!?" Because I eat all the time and generally eat what I want, but a lot of times that's fruit and cereal. So anyhow, my mom just shrugged and tried to blame my dad for buying her a case of Butterfingers that she asked for. Apparently she ate one entire candy bar every day near the end. Wow.]

Anyhow, I'm hoping this good feeling sticks around. I think part of it might also be because my husband was awesome this weekend and did a LOT more housework than he usually does, without me even asking him to. I mean, we made a list of chores we wanted to get done this week but I thought I'd still be stuck reminding/nagging him. It was awesome that I didn't have to. He cleaned the bathroom for the first time in at least a year! Ha. I think with him helping out more (and not complaining about it) made me more confident that we will be able to handle everything when baby gets here.

Other good things: My NP told me this week that "babies born at this age still do great" (almost 35 weeks now) which of course is a huge relief. Also, she was the one who previously was concerned with my weight. She didn't mention anything this time, except when she started the exam she said "wow, you're all baby!" - guessing this means I'm off the hook for the weight gain and also make me feel better about the constant "geez, you're not that big" comments.

Halloween

Target has officially changed over from "back to school" to Halloween. The due date is BEFORE Halloween. eep.

33 week panic

As of yesterday, we are 33 weeks along. That is insane! It's funny because earlier on in the pregnancy, you have that due date set in your head and you think you have all the time in the world. Even a month ago, I was like "whatever, I have until practically November to get things organized." Um, no. Now that it is SEPTEMBER FREAKIN' 10TH, the reality of being prepared has hit me full force. The general advice is that you should actually be 90+% ready by 36, 37 weeks, since it wouldn't be out of the question for the baby to come at any time by then. That means....yeah, I don't have until "practically November," I have three weeks! Yikes.

What makes this even harder is the ridiculously slow pace at which it physically takes me to do anything, plus the fact that I have been, on average this week, sleeping 10.5 hours per day. Believe me, you will get a LOT less done every day if your day doesn't start until basically lunch time and you move like a very large, slow turtle.

As I have been reading quite a few WTF blog entries lately, I feel the need to contribute with my own: So apparently according to the rest of the world, I "don't look that pregnant." What they mean is, 'based on my extremely limited knowledge of you and pregnancy, I judge that you are physically not as large as I expect a 33 week pregnant woman to look." Ugh. My MIL actually had the gall to tell me the other day that I am the "daintiest pregnant woman she's ever been around." WTF??! Dainty?? Do you not see me struggling to tie my shoes? When buying some baby supplies last night, there was something we needed that was on back order. The sales woman eyed me up, without asking when I was due, and said, "well, you have plenty of time to wait for it to come in." SO annoyed. I chalk this up to several things: (1) Women who were formerly pregnant remember being larger than they actually were, (2) nobody actually paid attention to how small I was to begin with, and (3) people are stupid.

The ironic part of this whole thing is that my nurse practitioner says I have gained too much weight. Yup. I am so dainty that I have already gained about 35 pounds (which for the uninitiated, is the top amount you are "supposed" to gain by the end in a singleton pregnancy). [On a side note, I felt bad about "gaining too much" for about two days and then realized I don't give a crap. I eat healthier than I did pre-pregnancy, I exercise within reason for 33 weeks (no one-hour cardio sessions, sorry), and I'm not going to ignore my body when it's telling me I'm hungry. My mom gained 60 pounds with me and lost all of it so whatever.]

baby showers!

Since I normally only complain, I thought I should post about something else for once. :)

The first shower was two weeks ago. It was hosted by my aunt and held at my parents' house, which is several hours away from our house but is much closer to a lot of my family, high school friends, and many family friends who have known me since I was a baby. One of my oldest friends (we were BFFs in 1st grade) even made the trip. It was really nice and not nearly as awkward as I had feared - and we got a ton of stuff!



Unfortunately the only photo I took was of all this "loot" on my iphone so I apologize there are no super-cute and exciting photos like most people remember to take. Oops. We didn't have any super-fancy food but my grandma did make some excellent brownies that included broken up pieces of toffee Symphony bars.

Baby showers are kind of weird because the point is mostly to get stuff, and unlike bridal showers, most of the people at the shower will not really be included in the "main event." Unlike our wedding though, we *really* needed all of the stuff and *really* needed the help financially. Me not earning any money whatsoever this year has made things a little tight, which makes me even more thankful for all of the generous family and friends we have. Which reminds me - not included in the photo are the biggest gifts, from my mom and MIL. My parents got us a crib and are also helping us pay for cloth diapers, and my in-laws bought us a stroller and car seat. HUGE relief to at least have those things!

I also have to point out, way off in the left of the photo, is the beautiful quilt my grandma made for us. It is gorgeous, and in purple & gold (Vikings colors). She must have spent a ton of time working on it and it is so cool to think that our son will have something special like that.

I know this is getting pretty long, and DH is asking me when I'll be ready to run to Target, so I'll try to wrap this up.

Shower #2 was ridiculously, fantastically perfect. :) My sister-in-law, who is also one of my best friends, hosted and she went above and beyond. The decorations, the food, the special order chocolate with peanut butter frosting cupcakes, the games - I couldn't have asked for anything better. This shower was also mostly for "all the young folks" - basically all of my law school friends. I was shocked that so many people came! And none of my friends have kids yet so they were all excited to have an excuse to buy baby stuff. It was very odd to be the one answering questions about pregnancy and babies, instead of being given unsolicited advice from 1980.

Back to today's task: Washing all of the baby clothes we received over the past two weeks. I swear to god those little plastic tag thingies are driving me insane...

useless

I've used the word "useless" more in the last few weeks than the rest of my life put together. Unfortunately, it sums up how I've been feeling about myself the past few weeks. To top it all off today, I had ONE thing that I had to do today and 100% failed. Seriously, the ONLY thing I had to do today was go see my therapist. I knew this when I got up this morning. I even had my calendar open for several hours around lunchtime. Yet I somehow completely managed to forget about it by the time the actual appointment rolled around, and then got a call from my therapist about 10 minutes after my session was supposed to start. I feel really bad about it - it costs my therapist money and it bugs me even more because it just isn't "me" to flake out and miss appointments. Hell, I am the person who gets there 15 minutes early "just in case" (in case of what, I'm not even sure). I just hate this feeling of being so undefined and out of control.

Besides today's screw-up, it's getting harder and harder to do chores. And since I am unemployed and am only a student 10% of the time, that's really all I do. I've been getting Braxton-Hicks contractions whenever I lift anything bigger than a gallon of milk, which actually limits a relatively large amount of housework. We also really need to polyurethane the new doors we installed and paint the trim for the hallway, but of course I shouldn't do those things because of the fumes (and of course DH is dragging his feet on those things, but then I feel like an unappreciative nag whenever I mention them to him since he is the one working and I'm the one sitting on my ass all day). Why do the pregnancy books fail to talk about this? It can't really be that abnormal. Although I guess I shouldn't trust the books because all of those authors seem to think women are obsessed with the whole weight gain aspect, and I couldn't care less about that.

It's weird too because I am sure there are plenty of women in the third trimester who dream of having no job, but I just really suck at handling this. My therapist pointed out last time that I've never had this much downtime in my entire adult life, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. She probably didn't know that encouraging me to embrace an easygoing lifestyle for a few months was going to cause me to miss my damn appointment. lol.

I feel bad that I pretty much only blog when I'm feeling down about something, but honestly when things are going well, I don't feel the need to write it down. I've had two wonderful baby showers in the past 10 days and I *promise* I will write about them soon (although, again, unfortunately I failed to take even one photo at the nicest one so there will not be any visual evidence).

doubt

We have reached the third trimester. Crazy. Amazing. Scary. Relieved. The books say that if he was born now, he'd still have an over 85% chance of surviving. I don't know what kind of survival this would look like, and I'm sure it would totally fricking suck, but for some reason, this makes me feel better about the whole situation.

Unfortunately, reaching this point has also forced us to arrange for a few muscular dystrophy-related tasks that will need to happen at the birth and soon-after. This of course has made me think abut the whole MD thing (you know, the entire reason I went through IVF in the first place? ha) and the slight chance that the test was wrong and our baby really does have the "bad gene." I know the chances of this are slim (like, less than 1%). And I know that the chances of some other unknown obstacle occurring are probably higher. But I still don't feel good about it. Last night it actually kept me up - for whatever reason I woke up at 5am and then the MD-worry popped in my head. *sigh*

We told ourselves at the beginning that if for some crazy reason the test gave us a false negative, and we ended up with a kid with MD, that we could make peace with it. Because we did all we could. But it would still really really suck. And part of me wonders what would have happened if we had just implanted one of the girl embryos, because then the worst scenario would be having a carrier. But then I think maybe we wouldn't have even gotten pregnant to begin with because the boy they transferred was the strongest guy. Ugh. So yeah, neverending cycle of doubt with no really good answer.

Just trying to get to a place where I can accept things as they are. I need the hope to outweigh the doubt again.

thankful but...

After reading someone else's blog this morning, I realized again how tricky the transition from "IVF blog" to "pregnancy blog" can be. I feel bad because I know most of the people who read this found me through the infertility community, but at the same time, blogging was such a good way to deal with stress during IVF that it seems silly to hang it up now. I think I also feel guilty because I was lucky enough that I did not have to endure the full-scale infertility journey that so many women have had to go through. PGD seems to hold this odd place in the blogosphere (if it even has any actual place - thus far I've only found two other bloggers whose primary "issue" (?) is PGD-related).

So anyhow, I am almost 26 weeks along now and completely thankful for the little guy growing in my uterus. And even more thankful that I feel him kicking and moving around consistently throughout the day (like right now). I wanted to type that first because above all else, I do need to keep my focus on what is really important - that we are well on our way to having the healthy baby we've desperately wanted.

That being said...I am majorly stressing out about the timing of it all. I know, I know, there is no magical non-stressful time to have a baby. But I've now put myself into a position where I feel like I must take the bar exam while trying to appropriately mother and care for a 4-month old. There are just so many unknowns and it is kind of impossible to make a truly informed decision at this point. I have no idea how long he will be sleeping at night by that point. Or how hard breastfeeding/pumping will be. Or how difficult it will be to begin the bar review courses when he is somewhere around 6-7 weeks old. Ugh.

I've considered putting off taking the bar until July (they only offer it twice a year), but that means putting the rest of our life plans on hold - it would significantly slow down our plans to move, and extremely limit my job prospects (unfortunately, DH just can't make enough to comfortably support three of us forever). Plus I'm afraid I would forget a lot of information, especially considering that I am already pretty much done with law school. I have one 3-credit class this fall. That's it. And I honestly don't care what grade I get.

Really not sure what the best thing to do is (I've already come to terms that there is no "good" option, just one that would be better than the other). Sadly, googling "bar exam newborn" brought up very little. Damn you internets!

just in case

I doubt anyone is even out there reading this, but if you are, I felt that I owed at least a short post to let the world know that everything continues to go well. 24 weeks today! Can't believe that that first injection was over six months ago! The whole process already seems like it was some strange dream (nightmare?) - my memories are so blurry and all I remember is being uncomfortable and foggy the whole time. It sucked but I am so thankful we even had an opportunity to give our baby a future that was not possible 20 years ago.

Baby is kicking away on a regular basis now. His kicks are definitely getting stronger - enough so that it is pretty distracting at times. He's already waking me up early a few time a week squirming around in there. I don't mind though, at least he's quietly waking me up at this point. :)

Baby showers are later in August and I am starting to freak out a little about not having ANYTHING yet. I assume we'll get lots at the showers but if we don't, it's going to be a lean fall. And of course I couldn't find a paying job this summer so money is not what it has been the last few years. Ah well, all he really needs is a place to sleep, right?

time flies

Wow, I haven't written in a LONG time. I don't really even have a good excuse, except that once I got past the first trimester, it feels like time has just flown by. 19 weeks tomorrow! So crazy to think I could be halfway there already. All in all, things have been going really well. I had some anxiety earlier in May when my cousin lost her baby but the last several weeks have been good.

Our first ultrasound in months is tomorrow! For whatever reason, my doctor wants us to have a more comprehensive ultrasound for this appointment since apparently their machine is not as good. He also said he wants the better ultrasound done since we did IVF, which seems weird to me but whatever. The other big news is that six days ago, I started feeling the baby kick (!) so I have been less worried now that I know he is definitely in there moving around. Plus I figure that if I'm feeling it, he must be growing big enough, right? (ha, like I know anything about this baby stuff)

People still keep telling me "you don't even look pregnant!" and I swear I will punch the next person who does this. I mean, come on. My mom confirmed that people who tell me this think they are complimenting me but it is really hard to take it that way. It always feels to me like they are questioning whether I am actually pregnant (and I'm in enough personal denial over that, that I don't want anyone else questioning me). What do you say? Thanks? My other thought is always "were you completely ignoring me before? because I used to be skinny. seriously, was no one else even noticing how awesome i looked before?" LOL. :)

It might be a long time before I write again but we'll see. Might have to update with some photos if we get some good ones tomorrow. (!)

another day

So first of all, our little baby is doing just fine. :) The really bad news about my cousin's baby completely freaked me out, so instead of worrying all weekend and "sticking it out," I decided to just go in for a fetal heartbeat appointment. My clinic is awesome and lets you do this often if you feel like it - and they always have openings at the last minute since it honestly takes 3 minutes to do it. So yeah, I got to hear his heartbeat again! The doctor couldn't find it right away but it was only because the little guy was moving around so much. You could hear the different "woosh"ing noises of his movements. This was the first appointment my husband didn't come to and he was actually jealous that he missed 20 seconds of a different sort of "woosh"ing sound. What a dork.

So the other news - while walking the dogs last night, we missed two phone calls at nearly the same time. One was hubby's best friend telling us that he is now the father of a healthy baby boy. The other was my mom telling us that my cousin delivered the baby, they named him, got to hold him for a little while, and then had to say goodbye. So so sad I couldn't handle it and started crying. For some reason, it seems more real now, even thought they think he stopped growing almost a month ago. My poor cousin then had bleeding problems and ended up having d&c on top of five hours of labor. I'm heartbroken for them. We had these dreams of our kids being best buddies and I'm afraid our baby will always remind them of their loss. We sent her flowers at the hospital yesterday but I honestly don't even know what to say to someone who has gone through something like that. I am even more thankful than before that our baby is healthy.

twilight zone

Everything seems to be going well with our growing baby - 16 weeks! Two more weeks until our next appointment, and another week after that for another ultrasound. I also bought my first new bra today and it is awesome. I jumped from a 32D to a 36C - what the hell?? I didn't even realize how uncomfortable my old bras were until I tried on the new one. Guess maybe I should have started looking into this sooner but all this maternity gear is adding up fa$t.

Unfortunately, though the last 24 hours have been a complete roller coaster. The good news is that a good friend of ours is in the process of having her baby right now. She is only one day past her due date but I guess her doctors said the baby is getting too big and needs to come out soon. I am so happy for them and can't wait to meet their little one.

The bad news, and it is really bad news, is that my cousin found out yesterday that her baby had died. She was 17.5 weeks along and they couldn't find a heartbeat. They think the baby stopped growing around week 14. To make things even worse, she is too far along for an "easy" d&c and also had to be induced to actually go through delivery. They said it could take 15-22 hours since her body is not ready to deliver yet. I honestly can't think of any greater torture right now. We are all hoping that it won't take that long, since she has successfully delivered two other kids. I am so heartbroken for her and just very sad. Just last week we were talking about how our babies could potentially be born on the same day. I have other friends who have miscarried but not this far along. It is just awful and I don't think there is much we can do to help her right now.

On top of feeling horrible for my cousin and her husband, this of course has reawakened by own paranoia. The rational part of me knows that the odds of these things happening are very low, but it still freaks me out. I just keep telling myself that I wouldn't be getting bigger and continue to have so many symptoms if our little guy wasn't growing like he is supposed to. I keep begging him to kick me really hard so that I'll finally feel him for the first time. I kind of want to make a fetal heartbeat appointment for tomorrow but it seems silly since I wasn't worried at all yesterday morning. What a day.

"the second trimester is the best!"

14 weeks today! Hard to believe that starting tomorrow I can read about what happens in Week 15 without skipping ahead. Time went so slowly at the beginning but now I feel like we are starting to pick up speed. Partially it's because yesterday marked the six-month mark before the due date. That's right. Six months. That is not that long and we have SO much to do! Also I have no idea what I even need to do. There are all these books on being pregnant and about babies, but I spent 45 minutes at Borders yesterday and couldn't find one book that told you how to get prepared. I know I need so many things but since I've never done this before, I don't even know what those things are. It seems like every day I come across some device or product that is apparently essential, but that I didn't even know existed (ex. nipple cream, bottle sanitization products, etc.).

As for the title of this post, everywhere I read and everyone I talked to kept telling me that "the second trimester is the best!" I subconsciously took this to mean that the second trimester was closer to "normal." Ha! All it means is that the symptoms are not quite as annoying as the ones before and after. I am still sleeping at least 9.5 hours a day, which I thought would get better but now am a little worried that maybe I am slightly anemic (we don't eat a lot of meat, and my typical meat intake was mostly in the form of cold cuts, which are now on the "NO" list). Don't get me wrong, I am thankful every day that I am pregnant but that doesn't mean it is *entirely* enjoyable. :)

So of all the dumb pregnancy related thoughts that have flitted through my head, one of the dumbest occurred earlier this week. As I was getting dressed one morning, I thought to myself "geez, it's like I'm getting a tiny bit bigger every single day!" Ummm....duh? Even right after I thought it, I was like "um, that's because you are, genius." Maybe I can blame this on "pregnancy brain"? :)

cruising (12w5d)

Even though I mostly started this blog as an outlet for myself, I realized this morning that I better post soon or the handful of people who actually read my blabbering might wonder what happened to me. :) Anyhow...

You're reading that correctly - 12 weeks + 5 days! Woo hoo! After hitting the 12 week mark last week, we went in for a quick appointment so we could finally hear the heartbeat. We heard it, and it was perfect, and thus I had to uphold my end of the bargain and let the secret out. It's been KILLING my parents and in-laws to keep this secret for the past two months and they were finally allowed to tell the world as of last Friday. I was happy we waited though because I called some other family members and friends over the weekend and I was actually happy to do so! (instead of cringing inside and worrying)

It was so cool how excited some of my family and friends were to hear our big news. It also made everything more real. I mean, yikes, we'll have a baby in just six months! I am typically a very Type-A organized person and there is A LOT that needs to happen relatively soon. As soon as I am done with my finals this semester, Operation Baby Prep begins in earnest. And btw, focusing on fricking school right now is practically impossible. Who cares about memorizing income tax code sections when you can contemplate buying things like this? (um, hello, puppies!! so cute!)

the (first) home stretch

I'm 11w4d today - that magic day when I hit 12 weeks is Thursday. I am really excited about reaching this milestone but also starting to get nervous again. There is part of me that is just waiting for someone to jump out and say "just kidding! you thought you'd be so lucky that this would work the first time??!? muahahahaha!" The rational part of my brain knows this is stupid. Every ultrasound has been great, at the last one at 10 weeks the little one was healthy and growing along perfectly - even moving around like crazy.

Despite all this, I can't shake this vague sense that something could be wrong and I wouldn't even know right away. I think part of the problem is that I don't know how to handle good things happening to me. I've had so many awful things happen to me in my lifetime that it's much more comfortable to deal with crisis than it is to be content with life.

To help allay my fears and hopefully allow myself to truly be excited about this, I made a technically unnecessary appointment for Friday with my doctor just to hear the heartbeat. We didn't actually get to hear it last time since it was still pretty early and I think if I hear the heartbeat once we've hit the 12 week mark, I'll feel like we're out of the woods. I thought for sure my doctor would need some reason for an extraneous appointment but apparently I didn't even need to ask - I just needed to make the appt. Thank god there have been many neurotic pregnant women before me!

In the "yes, we have progress" department - I bought my first maternity clothing this weekend. I've been wearing the same pair of low-rise jeans for the past several weeks and decided it was time. I think I actually have a bump now! It's small but it's definitely a different shape than the glorified roll of chubbiness I've been sporting for the past month. :)

No reason to worry about the heartbeat appt on Friday but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed just in case.

10w2d

We had another appointment yesterday morning and it was awesome. :) The appointment was mostly just for us to discuss different kinds of prenatal testing, and also so we could meet our actual MD (up until now, all of my contact has been with my NP). We actually didn't discuss the testing very long, as it turns out DH and I are relatively well-informed about these things already.

So then Dr. N asked if we had any more questions, and I asked if we could hear the heartbeat yet. He had the doppler thing sitting right next to him and says "sure!" (I was like, "really, that's the thing we're using to hear the heartbeat?!?" it's so primitive!! it looks like something a news reporter from 1975 would use to tape interviews with witnesses. anyhow...) And of course he couldn't find the heartbeat. He told me even before he started that if we couldn't hear it, I shouldn't panic. So then after a few minutes of not being able to find it, he again told me not to panic and that we'd do another ultrasound. It's funny but I actually wasn't panicking - I've been getting bigger and still have lots of symptoms and part of me really was sure that our embie was still okay.

The ultrasound was amazing! (it was also fantastic because we are done with the probe. yay!) Even though I couldn't immediately see the beating heart on the screen, embie was moving around A LOT. So I knew everything was okay, because tiny beings without beating hearts cannot kick like that! The tech was then able to find the heart and the rate was perfect. Dr. N came with us and told us everything looked excellent. The measurements were also perfect, measuring exactly 10w1d. I am so thankful that embie was hiding from us with the doptone so we would get to sneak a peek again. :)

I finally feel like it's okay to call our little one a baby because that is definitely a little human growing in me. Yes, reality is really starting to hit me. Up until yesterday, there was still a big part of me stuck in "this isn't really happening" mode. I'm also starting to show a tiny bit, which is exciting and scary (my brother yesterday: "you're getting fat." Me: (unamused silence) Brother: "well...umm... not really fat....you know what i mean." Me: *sigh* Clearly my brother has never been married!).

Despite the good news yesterday, I am still waiting until we hit 12 weeks to tell everyone else. This is driving my parents and in-laws crazy but it's less than two weeks away so they can suck it up. It's not even that I'm worried as much about miscarriage as I was before, it's just that I need another two weeks to get used to this whole "yup, there is a living human growing inside of me" thing.

9 weeks

Wow. It is hard to believe that it has been over six weeks since the transfer. On the other hand, I can't believe I am "only" nine weeks along. I guess that's to be expected when your hormonal journey begins three weeks before you even get pregnant.

I am feeling a little less anxious, at least most of the time. I think the further we get, the more I am learning to accept and trust that everything will be fine. I am definitely still dying for that 12 week mark though! Setting that goal, and waiting until then to really start telling everyone, has really helped. I no longer worry about whether I should tell or not tell, and I think by waiting, I will actually be really excited about telling everyone.

Not that I'm not excited now; it's just that I haven't truly accepted that yes, I am pregnant. Really. It just still seems unbelievable to me, despite my pants not fitting and my inability to eat anything besides Corn Pops before 1pm. I am hoping that in three weeks I'll sort of be showing a little bit more so I can phase more easily into "yup, i'm pregnant and not fat" mode. (on a side note, i don't care that i look fat. i just don't want anyone to guess what's going on before i'm ready to tell them.)

I finally finished my progesterone this week. As much as I am glad to be done with the hassle, part of me is a tiny bit worried just in case it was actually accomplishing something. If the doctors got me this far, I guess I should just continue to trust their judgment.

Real life continues to stay busy, which is probably good. However, I am really looking forward to warm weather and this semester being over.

8 weeks, and all is well :)

We had our first official OB appointment today. Things started off a little shaky when I managed to somehow mess up peeing in a cup. I have always hated doing this; I always feel like the cup is too small and I don't have enough pee. And I was an idiot and peed right before we left the house so, yeah, the nurse in the lab was not impressed with my pitiful output. I ended up having to down 10 little cups of water back in the waiting room so that I could pee again. I felt like a *total* idiot. Anyhow...

The awesome news was that this first appointment was with my usual NP. I was not expecting much from this appointment -basically talking, poking around, blood draw, that kind of boring stuff. Near the beginning, when we were just talking about things, she asked how the spotting was going. I told her it's still been happening but nothing any different from before. So she says "well, let's do an ultrasound then so you can make it until we listen to the heartbeat in two weeks?" Yay!!! We weren't expecting to actually see our little embie again until like Week 20. Did I mention how awesome my NP is?? And she even wanted to come with us to meet the little one.

This ultrasound was AMAZING! I could not believe how much growth happened in one frickin' week! It went from a total bean-blob to something completely recognizable. We could immediately see the head, the arms and legs, and that beating heart. I am SO SO happy that we got to see embie again. And on top of that, my NP told me if I was ever feeling really worried, she'd order an ultrasound or doptone (once we hit 10 weeks) every week if I needed it. She totally understands what we've been through and I am so thankful.

things i would post on Twitter if everyone knew I was pregnant

how come the only foods i crave are the ones you can get at a ballpark? (potato chips, chicken strips, etc.)

come on, April 15th, get here faster!

only one meal of walleye per month is going to kill me. walleye burrito @ Longfellow Grill, i miss you already.

yes, i do look fat.

craving = this is the only food i can imagine eating right now that doesn't make me want to puke.

St. Patrick's Day is completely useless without Jameson after class.

7w4d - time machine

I wish I could just skip ahead to April 15th, with embie healthy, when we'll hit a full 12 weeks. After focusing so much on getting pregnant, I had no idea how difficult it would be to survive the first trimester. I worry *a lot.*

My family members who know, and are sworn to secrecy, are all pressuring me to tell everyone else. I'm just not there yet, and I don't think I will be until we get past the first trimester. Part of it is that I'm too worried to be really excited right now, and I'd rather be at a point where I can be just as happy as the people who are hearing the news. That and I don't like everyone reminding me that I'm pregnant, because it just reminds me to worry (well, like I need reminding, but you know what I mean).

I'm also in denial. After everything we've gone through, it still seems unreal that it actually worked. Yes, I'm a bit chubbier, occasionally nauseous, and tired, but I just don't feel pregnant yet. And if reality hasn't hit me yet, I'm not ready for it to hit others first.

I know I'm supposed to be grateful for every day, and I am, I just wish I each day would go by a little bit faster.

7 weeks and still here!

Everything is fine. Well, at least relating to my uterus and the embie. My ovaries, however, scared the crap out of my non-fertility clinic ultrasound tech. I told her right from the beginning that I got pregnant via IVF but I don't think she'd seen any that big before. Isn't it funny how everyone is obsessed about your ovaries, and then after the transfer, it's all about your uterus? I'm now realizing that some of my general "ickiness" and discomfort might still be low-level OHSS. The "leftovers" in there are still taking up lots of space, apparently.

Embie is great! We got to see the heartbeat again and it was a little faster than on Monday, which apparently is a good sign. The tech said that make sense given we just hit 7 weeks today. She said it will probably plateau at about what it is now. The other great news is that I think my NP "gets it." She understands I've been through a lot and so what if we need to do a few extra procedures so that I'm not a wreck the whole time? She told me about a patient of hers who had struggled with numerous losses, and they let her come in and listen to the heartbeat every Friday from 10 weeks up to 28 weeks. So yeah, I'm really glad I decided to stick with this clinic.

From here on out, as long as it stays minimal, I am not supposed to panic about minor spotting. I am supposed to blame it on the suppositories. I will only be on them for 8 more days so hopefully things will stop after that. I really need to figure out a better way to deal with my worrying or this is going to be a LONG six weeks.

sick of worrying

The drama continues... I've had two more spotting episodes in the past 48 hours, and some minor cramps in between. It's not anything resembling a flow - I probably wouldn't even notice it if I weren't so freakin' paranoid, but it's enough that I'm worried. So I called my usual nurse practitioner (who will also be my NP for my prenatal care) to get her opinion. She thinks it warrants an ultrasound, if for no other reason than to keep me from worrying. So that's where I'll be an hour from now.

I know there are lots of reasons these symptoms could be innocuous and "normal" but I also know there is a chance they might not be. I've been on this emotional roller coaster this week - positive & thinking everything will be fine, then two hours later being convinced I'm on the verge of miscarriage. My therapist told me I need to learn to trust my body, that I should accept all of the other symptoms as proof that I'm pregnant, but I feel like the progesterone suppositories mess everything up. I am *really* hoping they are the explanation for the spotting, and that the cramping is just my uterus growing with our little embie, and that it's just a coincidence that they are happening around the same time. Ugh. I hate this. Hopefully I'll have encouraging news later today and I can relax for at least a little while. I keep telling everyone that I need to steal their good luck for awhile - definitely need it today!

not-Twitter

Because I have the need to share this thought but cannot do so via Twitter or Facebook without all of my IRL friends awkwardly finding out that I am pregnant:

Studying for the most ridiculous Income Tax quiz ever would be a lot easier if I wasn't exhausted and slightly nauseous

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I think now that the reality of being pregnant is sinking in, I'm not fighting the symptoms anymore. I let DH tell a bunch of people in the past 24 hours and now I feel really weird about it (although not in a bad way). I cannot wait for Friday to get here so I can go back to sleeping 12 hours a day.

happy reality

The ultrasound went perfectly! We finally got to see the embie in real-time, tiny tiny heart beating/flickering inside of me. The (very) little one is the right size, in the right place, and has a healthy heartbeat. I am SO thankful that we made it to this point. We also officially did our "exit interview" with our RE and got the go-ahead to see whatever OB we choose. So yeah, very strange but wonderful day.

I think the true reality of actually being pregnant is finally starting to hit home. Despite the sore boobs, the bloating, and the exhaustion, it didn't seem real until today. I've been in denial about getting ever-so-slightly chubby (most of my jeans don't fit) but I kept chalking that up to the OHSS.

Of course, DH thinks now that we saw the heartbeat, it is a free-for-all to tell everyone. So far I've ok'd the relatives who live further away, with the caveat that nothing is to be posted on facebook (sad that we have to tell people this, but unfortunately it seems necessary). We're from a really small town and I'm just not ready for everyone we've ever known to know what's going on in my uterus. That being said, I don't know if I'll ever be truly comfortable telling people that I'm pregnant - or at least that's how it feels right now because it still seems unbelievable.

sunshine

It is finally warming up here and all of the snow and ice is starting to melt. I usually love spring and am trying to let the sunshine and warm weather cheer me up.

At least until our appointment on Monday, I'm going to try to stay off the internet, at least when it comes to pregnancy/IF stuff. At this point, pretty much all it does is give me more things to worry about. I keep reminding myself that my mom, aunt, and grandma never had miscarriages, and that there are lots of benign non-troublesome explanations for the spotting (especially given the suppositories). If my clinic isn't worried about it, and they're the experts, then I need to not be as worried about it either.

To help fill my head, I'm going to a movie tonight with a good friend, and then going in for a facial and manicure with my sister-in-law on Sunday. I also have tons of school work to catch up on, which I'm sort of thankful for because it will keep me busy. The longer it goes without any further spotting, the easier it is to convince myself that our little embie is still doing fine. I've also had no pain at all so that's good too.

Again, with the waiting!

6 weeks

Hard to believe it has already been two weeks since we found out - but it also feels like time is moving way too slowly. I have had no further spotting since the single incident 48 hours ago so I am hopeful it truly was just my cervix rebelling against the progesterone. Unfortunately, however, that incident caused my worrying to kick-in kind of hardcore right now. I can't help it. I was doing really well until the spotting. We have come so far yet things are still so tenuous right now. I was tempted to buy a hpt yesterday to reassure myself but decided against it. I'm just going to wait for our (hopefully!) last "pregnancy confirmation" appointment with my RE on Monday. Technically, I'm not all that religious and don't pray, exactly, but I've been sending our little embie tons of positive thoughts this week.

It is great to be feeling physically better and be past the worst of the OHSS but now every twinge I feel makes me worry about the embie, where before I chalked everything up to the OHSS. The books say occasional "twinges" are normal but cramping/pain is bad. Way too many things to worry about. I will feel SO much better once we see that embie is doing okay.

Just realized we are only half-way to 2nd trimester - that seems like forever but I guess I just have to be happy with one healthy day at a time.

it's always something

Very scary moment this morning - after going to the bathroom right after I woke up, I had some definite spotting. I of course immediately jumped to thinking I was having a miscarriage but called my clinic before completely panicking. I learned that some spotting is common with the progesterone suppositories, due to the cervix being irritated. It's been 2.5 hours since the incident and there has been no additional bleeding so I am really hopeful that nothing horrible is happening. I also haven't had any cramping or other symptoms.

Even if it is nothing, though, it sucks because I was just getting over being afraid every time I go to the bathroom (which has been a lot lately!). As scared as I was (and still am), I keep reminding myself that this is out of my control. Logically, I know this means that all I can do is be positive, take care of myself, and keep doing what I'm doing (eating healthy, taking my vitamins, etc.). Too bad logic doesn't rule anymore.

finally

I think today I finally reached the point where the pregnancy symptoms are more noticeable than the OHSS symptoms. Yay! It's still rough in the mornings but I made it through this entire day without tylenol. I'm still going to take it easy for awhile though, as I don't want to aggravate things again. It is SO much easier to be in a positive mood when I'm not in near-constant pain and/or discomfort.

We are now in Week 6 (!). According to the baby books, lots is going on in there right now. The IVF/PGD process seemed like weird science when this all started but pregnancy itself is amazing. It's hard to believe so much is changing every day, while on the outside I appear normal enough that even when I turn down wine at a party, none of my friends are suspicious. ;)

Watching the tail end of the closing ceremonies. It seems like they'll let anyone who ever released an album and who is also Canadian perform. The drop off from Neil Young to Simple Plan, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback is kind of depressing, but at least those Canadians are good at hockey! (btw, the game today was great - I am so proud of Team USA for holding their own and pushing it into OT)

you, stay here. you, go away.

I feel guilty that I am not happily basking in the glow of growing my little embie but this OHSS thing is really getting to me now. I did *absolutely nothing* for three entire days - no driving, wore only pajamas, never left the house to even grab the mail. I, apparently naively, thought this would buy me a couple hours of class yesterday night. I made it through class but by the time I got home, I felt awful. And the fact that I felt awful now makes me scared to leave the house today because I certainly don't want to make this worse. This would sort of be a problem because (1) I have an interview for a summer clerkship later this morning, and (2) I have already missed my Tuesday class three times in the past three weeks.

Also, as I had feared, none of the pants for my suits fit. I can't button any of them. I thought of sending my husband to Target last night at 9:30 to try to find some last-minute black maternity pants but then I realized they would never match my suit jacket so it was a lost cause anyhow. Instead, I am planning to not tuck in my shirt and use a safety pin to close the gap (at least I can get the zipper up). Call me classy! The interview is only supposed to last 30 minutes so hopefully nobody notices anything weird during that small amount of time.

Despite all of the OHSS nonsense, I've been trying to send good vibes to my embie each day. I can't wait for our first ultrasound in two weeks. Tomorrow we hit five weeks! The days are going by pretty slowly but I know that each day brings us closer and closer to a healthy baby this fall. Guess I just have to keep my eyes on the prize, OHSS or not.

oh, ohss

First the good news - my second beta was 205, so exactly where we wanted it to be! I think I finally have to come to terms with the fact that I really and truly am pregnant. It still doesn't seem real.

Unfortunately, one of the reasons it doesn't seem real is that any potential early pregnancy symptoms are currently masked by this damn OHSS. I keep reminding myself that I'm not mad at my ovaries though, since they did their job and got us lots of eggs. I just wish they would take a break now! We were back at the clinic today for another ultrasound and blood tests. My red count has improved but the fluid level and ovary sizes have stayed the same since Wednesday. Not great news, but at least it's not getting worse. I also got a temporary handicapped parking pass so I'm not stuck trying to drag my laptop bag & text books six blocks to class through the snow and mess all week. After years of being the handicapped parking police for my brother, it was weird to ask for one for myself when I appear "fine" on the outside.

It's crazy to me that at this point, I just have to assume everything is going fine with the pregnancy until our first ultrasound on March 8th. I'm so used to people monitoring me constantly at this point that the idea of no check-ups for two weeks just blows my mind. I suppose now though I am at least in the same boat as all other pregnant women, in that you just have to hope for the best and assume your little embie is growing along fine.

More couch time for me all weekend - hopefully some of this fluid will leave my body so I can focus on enjoying being pregnant! :)

!!! (great news + some not-so-great news)

I'm pregnant!!! My hcg was 99, at 8dp5dt. The news was given to us somewhat oddly, as we saw a different doctor than the two we normally see and he was apparently unaware that we did a blast transfer so wouldn't tell me whether I was pregnant or not because he thought we were too close to the hcg trigger. Five minutes later the nurses came in congratulating us - um, confusing! I made them tell me three different times that I was pregnant. Ha! And then two minutes after leaving the clinic the doctor called my cell to tell me the good news, which he realized when he was typing up his notes. Thank god for nurses!

The bad news is that I officially have "mild to moderate" OHSS. Back to the couch for me! I am supposed to stay at home as much as possible and keep really low activity. I also have to monitor all kinds of fun things - weigh, girth, urine output, etc. Up until now, I don't think the reality of worrying about my own health had hit me. I was so caught up with wanting to be pregnant that I forgot to worry about myself. I'm now pondering whether I need to drop one of my classes, since the doctor said at most it would be best for me to only attend one class a day. I'm also supposed to keep at this low-activity, urine-measuring routine for at least a week (and possibly longer, as my hcg will hopefully continue to rise).

Good thing we had such great news otherwise! Reality has definitely not set in yet. We go back in two days for another ultrasound and bloodwork so maybe it will seem more real after that. :)

the drama continues

The bloating hasn't improved so I called my clinic this morning. They told me to call if things got worse, and about 45 minutes later, after attempting to eat breakfast, it got worse. So I called back and now we are scheduled to come in tomorrow for a day-early beta and ultrasound!

I am really excited but also pretty freaked out about my own health right now. I was in a lot of pain this morning, considering how great I've been feeling the last couple days. Although obviously I don't want to end up hospitalized, fingers crossed this is mild OHSS due to me being pregnant.

I have no idea how I will handle it if it turns out I'm not preggo. If the worst happens, I'm just going to try to focus on the fact that we have four frozen embryos. This agonizing waiting limbo just got amped up even more - super.

the 2ww sucks

Oh how I wish we could fast-forward to Thursday! At this point I just want to know. I've had some symptoms today but I have no idea what's causing them or whether I'm willing them to exist (although I know the bloating is definitely occurring, since I had to walk around all day with a long t-shirt pulled down over my unbuttoned jeans). Seriously, I didn't think I was going to need to buy new pants for at least a couple weeks - and I have two job interviews next week so I may just need to bite the bullet and buy something more forgiving.

So we ended up having to tell the waiter last night that I was pregnant. It really caught me off guard but I guess maybe it wasn't that rude (or was it?) considering that I immediately said I didn't need the wine list and then started grilling him about the pasteurization of the cheese in the salad. He asked if I was "expecting" and I didn't know what to do but say yes - guess I'm taking this Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise thing to its limit!

Guess I'm just happy to make it through another day. I'm so desperate to know that I was actively wishing to wake up nauseous this morning.

5dp5dt

I decided I better use the fancy title for once. I remember when I first started exploring all the IVF blogs and couldn't figure out what the hell that combination of letters and numbers were about. Guess I've earned it now. :)

Physically I am feeling great, although almost woefully normal. I really want my body to just tell me whether the little embie is nestled in or not!... though I know any symptoms could be caused by pregnancy, progesterone, or my period so it really wouldn't do me any good to feel something.

It didn't hit me completely until this weekend that if I am truly pregnant, then I need to revamp what I'm eating. I typically eat healthier than the average person but I know I am missing a lot. And the prenatal don't-eat-that list is so frickin' long! And confusing - no herbal tea (isn't most tea sort of herbal?), no deli meat (what about leftovers? what about stuff not directly from the deli?), some cheese but not others, ugh. My husband is typically the one that cooks at our house and this morning I caught him reading the baby book - which he has thus far not done. It was so sweet. He was reading the nutrition chapter so he could come up with some good meals for us. :)

The waiting is getting hard now - I can tell it gets worse each day. Luckily today I went to a hockey game with my mom (Christmas gift from my bro). We were in Row 3! It was a lot of fun and a great distraction. Tonight we're heading to a great local organic restaurant for a late Valentine's Day meal. We hadn't planned to do anything this year since this last month has been so crazy but I changed my mind at 10am this morning and managed to score us a reservation at 8:00pm tonight.

Because of the PGD, we know the sex of the blast that was transferred. Our parents know that we know but we are keeping it a secret for now. And up until yesterday, our parents had surprised me by not trying to make us crack. The other night, while talking to my dad on the phone, he made a comment about how excited my mother-in-law will be with a little girl (she had all boys) and then later he said something about how "Scorpio boys" are supposed to be a handful. I learned yesterday from my mom that he was making gender-specific comments because he was hoping I'd slip up and tell him our secret! And here I was proud of how he wasn't being nosy. :)

dumb dog

One minor, hopefully meaningless, setback last night. We were dog-sitting for my brother's labrador retriever yesterday, and in his excitement to see me when I got home from class, he jumped up and pushed my tummy with his paw. It really wasn't too hard but it terrified me that he could have somehow caused some damage to the little embie. He hit me kind of high (above the belly button) and I think more than anything it just surprised me, but I was in a terrible mood for awhile after. Stupid dog! I know he didn't know what he was doing but I seriously hated him for the next hour.

Just trying to move on and assume all is still fine. It would take more than that to knock loose our tough little blast right? I also keep thinking that if four more of them survived outside of me, the chances that the one they transferred is also thriving are pretty good.

Even though I'm still really happy we made it this far, and I know I have to wait one more week for the beta, I wish there was a way to know sooner. I don't want to "walk myself to that cliff" (as one of my docs would say) but at the same time, it just seems like positive, PUPO thoughts are the best way to go. "Good vibes" can reach inside the uterus, right? :)

four

Just got off the phone with my clinic and they froze FOUR more blasts today!! Yay! When we left after the transfer yesterday, they had thought it would be three at most, if that, so we are ecstatic that we got four. It makes me even more happy and relaxed.

Also, despite my desire to continue my couch laziness, it felt great to put on some nice clothes today and go into student-attorney mode instead of crazy hormone-crazed IVF mode. I was also really pleased with myself for picking up a shirt a few months ago that I knew would be great at hiding any bloating. It's funny too because I also had to dig out the "fat pants" that I almost gave away last month because they were "way too big" for me - not right now!

I know it seems crazy that I am not going insane waiting until the beta next week. Honestly, I thought I'd be going nuts too. But the reason I'm not is because never in my entire life has it ever even been possible that I was pregnant. Because of the disease, I have always used 2 and sometimes 3 forms of birth control. So I've never legitimately tried to be pregnant before. I've never been able to even imagine before so I'm enjoying it while I can.

never been this excited to wait before

The transfer went well! We had one good healthy MD-free blast to transfer this afternoon. Because the type of MD that I'm a carrier of is X-linked, we also know the sex, which is so crazy. Although 9 of the 14 embryos were MD-free, not all of them survived to blast stage. At this point, there is one smaller unaffected blast and two that might make it by tomorrow afternoon. If so, we could have up to three to freeze for later (fingers crossed!). It was also pretty intense, since because of yesterday's drama we didn't get the genetic results until 10 minutes before I checked in for pre-op. SO crazy but so exciting!

We are focusing on being super positive and super healthy now. We safely made it home despite the bad roads and I'm camped out on the couch. I do have to go in for a few hours tomorrow to meet with a new client but other than that I'm taking it really easy. Sticking to bedrest when I'm home, which is like 20 hours a day.

I feel so amazing right now, since we've never technically tried to get pregnant before because of the disease. I already quit caffeine and alcohol a few months ago but now I think I'm cutting out all the other crap until we know whether it "stuck." Blood test on the 18th - eek! And now that I don't physically feel like shit anymore, I'm scheduling all kinds of laid back fun time with my friends and family.

On our honeymoon, we stayed in this amazing B&B in Boulder, CO with the most spectacular mattress, down comforter and pillows. It's been five and a half years and we still talk about how amazing that bed was. I like to imagine that that's how little embie feels right now. :)

found

Thank god. Longest four hours of my life. Delta Airlines sucks. Transfer is now at 3pm tomorrow!!

un-freaking-believable

Of all the things I've imagined going wrong, this was not one of them...

I called the genetics lab this afternoon "just to ease my mind" and hear someone say that they are running the tests on our embryo cells. The guy asked for my last name, puts me on hold for five seconds, and then tells me that there was some kind of shipping problem. WTF?!??!? I had not heard ANYTHING from my clinic or the lab until I randomly took the initiative to ask what I thought was a totally harmless question. I pretty much hung up on the guy, called my clinic, and told them straight-out that I was panicking and somebody needed to tell me what the hell was going on.

After 10 agonizing minutes waiting for the main lab doc to call me back, I learned that the container with our samples didn't make it on the original flight out of Minneapolis this morning. So it got put on the next flight, which was delayed because of the snow, but now NOBODY CAN TELL ME EXACTLY WHERE THE CONTAINER IS. Seriously??? I now made the nurse, the lab guy, and the genetics lab promise to call me as soon as anyone knows anything, it's been an hour, and nobody has called me. Oh and by the way, this means there is no possible way to do the transfer tomorrow. Yup. Everyone assures me six day transfers are totally normal and that nothing bad will happen because of this, but as of right now I still have no reassurance that the container has reached the lab. It takes over 17 hours to run the tests so....yeah, we are kind of under-the-gun here. And if it doesn't get there in time, we have to freeze all of them without transferring. I looked online and flights have been leaving here all day long (although delayed). I really hope the airline realizes that this isn't like losing my freaking vacation luggage. Everyone so far has told me that the party at fault here is Delta Airlines. I hope they have enough money in case I need to sue the shit out of them.

I feel like I am living in a really bad LIfetime movie. I know this isn't the worst possible thing that could happen but it still feels ridiculously awful and I am so pissed that I have no control over this. If I'd known things would get this messed up, I would have bought DH a ticket there so he could have carried it himself. Oh and of course everyone keeps telling me how important it is that I not be stressed out right now, for fertility's sake.

Back to waiting around for the phone to ring....

14 is my new lucky number

The doctor from the lab called me back this morning, apparently he never got the message that he was supposed to call me yesterday. Anyhow, I don't even care anymore because 14 of the embryos are still growing strong and were successfully biopsied! I talked to the guy who actually did the biopsies yesterday and he said they are all impressed with how well the embryos are growing. They were all at least eight cells and he said they are actually growing better than normal. Yay! He even mentioned how they are pretty sure there will be extras to freeze, which is awesome because we are only transferring one this first time.

Upon learning this information via text message this morning, my husband replied (in a shout-out to the movie Juno) that "our babies must want to 'get born'!" He is such a dork. :) We were talking yesterday about how crazy it is to think that our genes are combined right now and that our future baby is hopefully technically in existence right now. It's even crazier to think that the little embies are 90 minutes away. I am definitely feeling the drive to get at least one of them back where it belongs - in my welcoming uterus! Haha.

SO nice to have some good news today. The biopsied cells should be at the genetics lab by now but it takes OVER 17 HOURS to run the tests! Which means there is a team of doctors working around the clock and we won't actually know how many of the embies are MD-free until we get to the hospital tomorrow morning. But odds are we will get about 7! I was so excited this morning that I actually changed into jeans instead of sweatpants (although they are now unbuttoned for comfort's sake). :)

relief

Thank god. Today was SO much better. I'm still tired and uncomfortable but the really annoying pain seems to have subsided. Very very happy that I don't seem to be having any more OHSS symptoms to be concerned about. This morning I was actually able to sleep in a bit - first time in ten days because the rest of the time I wake up so uncomfortable that I've felt the need to just get up, shower and move to the couch. HUGE relief today on the "me" front.

As for the embies, still no word on how they are doing. I was assured on Friday that someone from the lab would call me this afternoon to let me know how many were big enough to be biopsied and sent to the genetics lab for PGD testing. Nurse: "Oh it shouldn't be a problem. The lab told me someone will call you Sunday afternoon and let you know how many samples were couriered to Detroit. Is this the number they should call?" I sat around all afternoon waiting for the phone to ring, and the only person who called was my brother to talk about our Super Bowl food. I'm pretty annoyed but at this point, realize there is absolutely nothing I can do about it until tomorrow morning. *sigh*

The good news is that I got a message on the "lab call" system that we are set for the transfer on Tuesday morning. I am taking this as a positive sign, since there must be embryos growing properly in order for them to go ahead and schedule that. Trying to focus on that positive!

Finally, as I mentioned before, our clinic is 90 minutes away on a good weather day. Too bad we live in the Midwest and it is February because we're now in a winter storm watch until Tuesday morning. So yeah, now I have to miss my evening class again tomorrow so we can leave early and try to avoid the worst of it. The last thing I need right now is to end up in the ditch, but DH has promised me he will get me there tomorrow night so we'll be ready to go in the morning. It's times like these that I wonder, why do I live here?

i'm a wreck

This has been the worst day thus far, at least when it comes to pain. In the past 36 hours, I hit two new lows: I went out in public (to Chipotle, no less!) in sweatpants (with writing on the ass!) AND I had to ask my mother-in-law to help me clean the house. Yeah, pretty pathetic. Although I am definitely thankful for mom-in-law's help, it truly pained me to admit I couldn't take care of my own grimy house. (Note to self: If you ever do IVF again, be sure to clean the house before starting injections because it will only get worse) You may be wondering why DH did not do the cleaning? The poor man has been working, doing my bidding, cooking my dinner, being woken up by my tossing and turning every night, and fighting a nasty cold for the past five days. Poor guy! So I okay'ed the plan to call in the reinforcements.

So yeah, the pain. Why didn't anyone tell me the pain could be worse *after* the retrieval?! I stupidly assumed that taking things out would make me feel less bloated. Ha! None of the people involved in my medical care warned me of this, and then they get annoyed when I call the on-call RE on a Saturday. *sigh* I'm one of those people that can take quite a lot of pain and BS if I have the opportunity to brace myself, but I had no idea this was coming. It's come to this: I'm thankful that I can still button my pants (I put real pants on today - shocker!) and at least the RE doesn't seem to think it is severe enough OHSS to warrant putting off the transfer (which I am kind of scared of). I have no other symptoms besides the bloating, haven't gained weight, ovaries themselves don't hurt, etc. but oh my god do I ever want my body back. And while I'm at it, I'd like my mind back too! (I've cried at least 20 times today)

(One of my dogs is attempting to make a nest on the floor right now with a blanket. He keeps grabbing the edge of the blanket with his mouth to arrange it, while pushing the rest of it around with his paws. This is now the highlight of my day.)

I think from now on I just have to start totally believing that this will happen for us eventually. Because it is just too much to take without believing it will be worth it in the end.

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I forgot to add: Thank you so much for the encouraging comments! Knowing I am not alone with this means a lot.

waiting and worrying

So only 16 of the eggs fertilized. I am pretty bummed out about this, especially since it actually means we probably have 8. The smaller that number gets, the more scared I get that we won't end up with any MD-free eggs that make it to Day 5. And even though I know that likely 50% will have the bad gene, what if we have bad luck and it is more than that? Or what if the ones that survive are all the ones with MD, and the ones that don't make it were the ones that were unaffected? I know I have absolutely no control over this, and worrying won't actually accomplish anything, but I can't stop myself.

I did call and talk to one of the nurses and she assured me that 16 was normal and nobody is concerned about it on their end so that helps a little bit. Also, my ovaries felt like shit this morning and I guess that's going to stick around for awhile. It's hard to set aside my worrying when my body is constantly reminding me of what we're going through. Also, I am now officially falling behind in school after an entire week of accomplishing pretty much nothing. It's going to be a LONG weekend.

i survived. :)

And so did 32 of my eggs! I am so excited that we got so many - I know they won't all fertilize, and I know chances are that half of them will have the "bad" gene, but 32 seems great to me. (Up until five days ago, I thought we would have been really happy with 20) It feels so great to get past this part of the process. It is such a huge relief that those little eggies I've been incubating are finally safely in the lab and no longer fully my responsibility. :)

I can also already tell that I feel less bloated, which is fantastic. I took a long nap this afternoon lying on my side, something I've been wanting to do for over a week but couldn't. Thank god for the small things, right?

There was quite the crowd at the retrieval. Is it normal for 4+ doctors to hang around?? I think two of them were residents, but it still seemed like a lot. I guess it makes sense though - we've definitely gotten the impression that we are "an interesting case" since they don't do tons of PGD cases and we are so "young." Which, by the way, I find hilarious that everyone is always exclaiming at how young I am. Infertility World is the only place that ever happens.

I'm still feeling (emotionally) really good after this morning but all that waiting is still hovering over me. Yay.

the final (egg) countdown

We're in the hotel, two blocks away from the hospital, and 8.5 hours from check-in time. I keep reminding myself that a lot more has to go right for us, but I am really excited to get past this step. I'm not even that freaked out about the procedure itself since I know I'll be out of it while it's going on.

The hcg shot last night went fine, and was actually really amusing. My trusty brother-in-law the doctor and his wife came over for dinner (we bought chinese) and then it was shot time! It was kind of funny to see him in "doctor mode." I was glad right away that I asked him to do it - it was clear that he was completely comfortable with mixing the medication, prepping the syringe, etc. Unfortunately, however, I will now have to endure "hey remember that time J. poked Kelly in the ass?" jokes from my family. Guess it could be worse. :)

Fingers crossed for lots of healthy eggs tomorrow!!

yay!

We got the go-ahead for the hcg - woo-hoo! I know there is a lot more that has to continue to go right for us, but I am so excited to get to this huge step.

Obviously I've never done this before and I'm not a doctor, but my follies seemed frickin' huge. There were at least 32 measurable today. I think even G. was shocked at how much those little things can grow in just two days. I'm a little freaked out about my first IM shot tonight but know it will be fine. The plan is for my brother-in-law the doctor to administer it, since poor G. hates needles and blood. G. claims he can do it if he absolutely has to, but I think we're both relieved that my brother-in-law offered to do it. We are also buying my siblings-in-law dinner tonight as a thank-you since they are also taking care of our dogs tomorrow night. Even though my RE is "only" 90 minutes away, I have to be there at 6:30am on Thursday so we're staying in a hotel just in case the roads are bad. So many things to get arranged in the next couple hours!

Odd coincidence of the day: I finally got changed back into my sweatpants, plopped myself on the couch, and turned on the TV... just as a Law & Order SVU episode started involving stolen embryos from an infertility clinic. So weird! As I type, Olivia and Elliot are watching a doctor remove a cell for PGD! What the hell! Anyhow, now I have to watch this and see how many facts about PGD are misconstrued....

(PS - I am still physically pretty uncomfortable but am so emotionally uplifted by getting the go-ahead and no more shots for awhile, that I am trying to ignore the discomfort)

tortoise

The steady progress continues - we got up at 6am today to drive the 90 minutes to our clinic for another ultrasound. We didn't get the go-ahead for the trigger quite yet, but it was still good news. I have 20+ measurable follicles right now (!), which is where we wanted to be. Since chances are 50% of my eggs will have the "bad gene" for muscular dystrophy, they are pushing things a little harder so that we have enough eggs to work with. And my E2 level almost doubled since Friday. Today was the first time G. accompanied me for follicle monitoring - they even had him keep track of the follicle sizes on a little score sheet. It was nice that he could contribute in some way other than doing my bidding around the house. :)

Other good things today: Two of my friends emailed me today to check on me since I wasn't at the engagement party last night. It meant a lot to me that they missed me and were thinking of me. My friend K. also offered to lend me her Mad Men DVDs, which would be great because my DVR is empty after this week. Oh and my mom brought me some slightly-classier celebrity gossip magazines (People and Entertainment Weekly) - yay!

I'm still anxious to reach retrieval day but know it is best for things to develop slow and healthy. Trying to just keep my eyes on the prize.

s-l-o-w

Today has been hard. Despite the good news yesterday, I'm sick of being stuck on the couch and I'm sick of the shots and I'm sick of worrying. I've tried to focus on other things but it's really hard when I'm too uncomfortable to move around and do anything. I also had to miss an engagement party for one of my really good friends, because I'm just too uncomfortable for "party mode" and it's a small enough party that people would notice me not drinking. Missing the party isn't a big deal in the big picture, but it's hitting home how lonely I've felt today.

Also, I've read at least a dozen magazines in the last two days. My sister-in-law dropped off a bunch of Ok! magazines...all with photos of pseudo-celebrities with their new babies on the cover. There were photos of lots of other celebs and their kids too, and it made me think about how many of those women probably required some sort of ART/infertility treatment. There's no way all of those twins are natural! Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with it, I just wish the world didn't insist on keeping it such a big frickin' secret. My husband said he's just jealous because celebrities have an easier time paying for it and getting time off from work to deal with it. So true!

Anyhow, fingers crossed that we get good news tomorrow morning. I'm SO hoping we get the go-ahead for my trigger. I feel like a bloated incubator and I'm ready to move to the next stage!

more good news

I FINALLY had my first ultrasound since starting the shots (it is currently Stim Day 8). It's been driving me crazy not knowing what is going on in there. Turns out there are around 30 follicle, which kind of explains my discomfort! She measured 11 of them, which I assume means those are the best ones. The largest one was 13.5, which I'm (also) guessing means we are closer to retrieval (they originally projected Monday as the earliest possible retrieval date). Although I have no idea what my RE's parameters are, since I didn't know which questions to ask the last time I had an appointment. Thus, I am desperately trying to find things to occupy my mind while I wait around for my "results message" to show up on their answering system. I also have now idea what my E2 level is, or where they want it to be. So many questions!

However, I am so very thankful that at least for now, things appear to be going well, or at least in staying in the realm of possibility. One of my cycle buddy's received bad news this week, and my heart just breaks for her. I am trying really hard to live in reality while still holding fast to hope, because I know things can change that are beyond my control.

------Update------
Called in to the message system a few minutes ago and found out everything is right where they want it to be. The nurse who left the message said my bloodwork and ultrasound looked "lovely." Ha! No monitoring until Sunday though so the retrieval would now be Tuesday at the earliest. I feel very weird right now since I'm really excited that we are getting closer and everything looks good....but also physically feel like crap. It's to the point now where the only position that is somewhat comfortable is lying completely flat on my back. Can't imagine how bloated and weird I'm going to feel in the coming days.

My random symptom of the day that I was not expecting: I have no appetite right now. Nothing normal sounds appetizing, which means I've eaten take-out almost the entire week. "Healthy" and "take-out" aren't always the best of friends.

we've reached hoodie stage

Even when I am "only" going to class, I am typically one of those people who at least tries to look put together, even when casual. Not today. Couldn't do it. The only clothing that is comfortable right now are sweatpants and a hoodie. Today I managed to put on an old pair of jeans, and then at least changed from my pajama hoodie to one that is appropriate for public viewing. Yup, it's hoodie stage and I have a minimum of five more days until possible retrieval.

I also had my first bout of "I feel like crying for no particular reason." The hardest thing so far, that I was not prepared for, was how much I wouldn't feel like myself. With each day that goes by, I feel less and less normal. On top of that, I am uncomfortable pretty much any time I am sitting upright - which is super-awesome when your "job" is sitting in class for several hours a day. I moved all studying operations from the office to the couch when I'm at home but class is kind of horrible. I told one of my professors today that I am having back problems so she wouldn't think I was being rude when I was slouching and fidgeting. I know this will seem like nothing later on but the tiny annoyances are accumulating pretty fast at this point.

First E2 test tomorrow morning! The fun continues!

honeymoon over

The exhilaration about actually starting this, and successfully injecting myself, is wearing off. I am also starting to have some anxiety about how I am going to get my hcg trigger, since my husband is a tremendous wuss who can't even watch me give myself a sub-q shot. The plan was to have my brother-in-law, who is a doctor, do it. But now he will be out of town right around the time when I might conceivably need the shot. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this conundrum, I'd appreciate it because I am a planner and I don't want to be panicked about this when they give us the go-ahead.

Also, menopur and I do not play nice. The stupid syringes always end up with a giant air bubble that is impossible to tap out (I am also guessing this might be due to something I am doing, but I do not have this issue with any of the other meds). The worst, however, is the burning sensation when it goes in. All three times so far, major ouch.

I am in law school, and up until now, I have been really good at it. Not so much right now. It's possible it is the stress and the gravity of the situation, but I am fairly certain at least one of these meds is screwing with my head. I have zero motivation right now for anything related to school. And zero concentration when I force myself to work.

Syllabus: "Read and review ch.3 and ch. 4."
Me: "Why? Who cares? I am trying to make a baby here!"

I made a list of all the school-related things I should probably accomplish this week. I wrote this list on Saturday. I have at this point accomplished one thing. With that, I will stop blogging and try to cross at least one thing off the list. *sigh*

triple-shot

The first night of injections felt like it went horribly but was essentially successful. We had an awful time figuring out how to prepare the Menopur. There seemed to be something wrong with the syringe I was using; the plunger kept moving without me touching it. And then when we finally got it figured out, it really hurt going in. Then it was time for our first try using the gonal pen, which I was super worried about because I know how expensive that stuff is. Luckily, G had used a similar pen before with clients who are diabetic, so he at least sort of knew what I was supposed to do. Anyhow, why do they make it so complicated?? After the ridiculousness last night, the Lupron this morning seemed SO simple.

On a happier note, we went to the mall last night to buy some necessities - specifically new pj's and some fancy chocolates. :) I typically am not a huge fan of Victoria's Secret but a few years ago, a friend turned me on to their sweatpants. Although I think G is disappointed that all I ever want to buy there are sweatpants - ha! We also stocked up on some fancy chocolates. My idea, based on training my dogs, is to reward myself every evening with chocolate immediately following Shot Time. And you know what? It TOTALLY made me feel better last night to eat chocolate after hurting myself with needles.

So far no major side effects. Mostly I am having trouble with the injection sites themselves, lots of bruising and general achiness. Also think maybe I am getting IVF-brain? (does that happen?) I've had a lot more headaches the last week, and today I am really struggling to focus on anything. I had lunch with a few friends and could barely even follow what they were talking about. I'm also pretty tired but I'm guessing that's the stress.

Hoping the needles are nicer to me tonight!

game on!

Monitoring went fine this morning and we got the go-ahead this afternoon! There is so much more I could say but I've been frantically trying to get all of the non-IVF parts of my life in order since I have no idea how I will be feeling by the weekend. I am also up against a deadline tomorrow to apply for some summer clerkship jobs that would be perfect for me - all at non-profits. They don't pay as much but they pay something, and I would LOVE to feel like I am actually helping people with this expensive legal education. Plus non-profits are almost always much more relaxed working environments and thus much more pregnancy-friendly (fingers crossed!) - I figure either way, I am going to need a non-stressful job by summer time.

one more step forward

So apparently all of my worrying was for nothing. The "game plan" paper they gave to me at our last appointment just confused me and now I feel stupid for worrying so much over the past couple of days. Oh well, I'm just going to move on and be excited that I have my monitoring appointment tomorrow morning. :) They are letting me do the initial appointments at a clinic that is closer to our house and I am so thankful for that. My understanding is that as long as my uterus is suitably empty tomorrow, we will be cleared for take-off with all the wonderful stim drugs starting Friday night. I feel like I need a word for that super-excited/terribly-scared emotion I keep feeling.

tough

I feel kind of bad about venting about my husband yesterday but I guess that's why I have a blog, right? :)

Ugh, today was the toughest day so far. Even though I had lots of other school-related things to keep me busy today, I just couldn't keep my mind off the cycle. The thing causing me the most stress right now is my clinic. They only start stims on Fridays, so if I don't get my period in time for starting this Friday, I have to wait an entire extra week to start. Needless to say, that would suck. I know waiting another week shouldn't really make a difference in the grand scheme of things, but good lord am I ready to start trying to make this baby! Not to mention the extra cost and annoyance of being on Lupron for an extra week. Fingers crossed I get my period soon so we can start the next chapter soon...

the waiting begins

Yesterday I took my last BCP...and now the waiting begins. I knew going into this that a lot of waiting would be involved but now that it's really started, I can see how this will be really hard no matter how prepared I try to be. I'm not frustrated by The Waiting at this point, because I know it will be 100x worse as we get further in, but it does feel rather ominous right now. The sheer number of things I will have no control over is a little overwhelming. I am not typically a very patient person so.....yeah, not really looking forward to this.

Please excuse this venting but I have no other forum to vent that won't later make me feel like a bitch: Why does my husband fail to get anything done around the house on his own?? I *hate* being someone who nags but geez, he doesn't always give me an alternative. Case in point: There is a small piece that needs to be replaced in our kitchen faucet. We have one of those sprayer things and as-is, the water comes out excruciatingly slow - making it even more annoying to do the dishes than it would be otherwise. For THREE WEEKS, he has been saying he knows exactly what is wrong and that he will fix it. So today, the THIRD FULL DAY OFF from work, at 3:30pm, he has still not fixed it. I didn't say anything all weekend because I know the man deserves his rest. Then I made the mistake of asking him to show me what needs to be fixed so I can do it myself...and now he's annoyed with me and on his way to hardware store. *sigh* (don't get me wrong, I love my husband. And most of the time he is really great but things like this drive me insane - and it is really hard not to pull the "i give myself annoying injections every frickin' morning and you can't even do this" card.)

thankful

Day 3 of Lupron-only is already accomplished - and I realized my day can only improve after starting off with an injection. Post-poke, I've been going back to bed for a few minutes of cuddle time with one of my pups and that seems to really help too. (here's the doggy face that cuddles into my lap whenever I need it)



Despite everything, I am feeling very thankful today. So far I have had very minor side effects of the injections, mostly just slight bruising and swelling at the injection sites. Overall though, I realize how lucky we are that our families are helping us pay for this, that my husband has insurance that will at least pay for some of it, and that this technology even exists. I remind myself every day that this will totally be worth it when I don't have to worry about my kids being in wheelchairs or having heart problems at 25 (my brother is 25 and it is so so scary).

I am also thankful that we are doing this while I am in law school, and that my school doesn't care if you go part-time, and how awesome it is that I can take a lighter load and not be stressed out while we are going through this. And I'm thankful for my amazing friends and family. I am SO glad I decided to be totally honest with certain people. I knew I would tell my "sisters" (one of my cousins, who I grew up with, and then my sister-in-law/former-roommate from college) but it was harder to decide to tell some of my law school friends. But I am so glad I did. Them checking in with me every day keeps me grounded, even if it's just "hey, how are you?" in the hallway, but with a look that says it's okay to be honest instead of just saying "great! how are you?"

Mostly today, I am thankful for all that I have in my life already, and not just the possibilities we are now hoping for. I keep hearing more and more about what is going on in Haiti and it is just heartbreaking. The total number dead or missing is astounding on its own, but then I start to think about how each of those people had a family and a community and it's just so sad. I may not have a healthy baby yet, but there is so much I already have that it seems silly to get hung up on feeling bad for myself today.

so far so good

I did it! First injection down, a bajillion more to go. I know it probably seems like a small thing for those who have gone through this before, but it felt really huge for me. I made my husband late for work today so he could be there in case I had some kind of panic attack. He's been really great the last couple of days. I think the reality of all that I will be going through is really hitting him now and he feels bad that so much of the burden is on me. Of course, I also surprised him with a nice dinner yesterday (he usually cooks) before I potentially turn into Queen Bitch. We are going on a much-needed date tomorrow so I at least have something to look forward to in the nearer future.

I tried to really clear out my schedule for the next few weeks in case I wasn't feeling up to facing the world. The problem is that right now, I am *hating* having so much downtime. I need non-IVF related things to fill my brain! I burned through the entire first season of United States of Tara in a few days. I might need to bump my Netflix up to two discs at a time. I suppose I should just get used to this feeling of wanting to fast-forward.

12 hours to lift-off

We have already been through so much, but I feel like things *really* get started tomorrow when I give myself that first injection. Pretty silly considering how many thousands of dollars have gone on the credit card in the last two weeks, and how many appointments we've had in the past six months.

So I stayed home all day Friday waiting for the meds to arrive. It was funny to me that I didn't realize how huge the box would be! Those little vials at the clinic seemed so small!



I have been trying to declutter my life recently and managed to clean out an entire drawer in our bathroom for all of my supplies. I am pretty proud of it. I am one of those people who always feels better when things are orderly because it makes it feel more under control.



Meds neatly arranged in clean drawer = totally under control. Right? Ha.

I also opened up the Lupron kit. I don't know why - to make sure the vial was actually in there? I realized that seeing each of the tiny little syringes in their little packages, with the separate little alcohol wipes, made it all seem less scary. They're so cute! Like the little soaps and shampoos you get at hotels, or the little glasses they use when you order a wine flight. Silly but I'll take what I can get at this point. I'm not typically a very optimistic or whimsical person but I'm trying.

pending descent into madness

It is my last full day off before I need to start actually preparing for school on Monday. Instead of doing something fun or productive, I am sitting around in my sweatpants waiting for the FedEx guy to arrive with my thousands of dollars worth of drugs. I really want to go to the gym and the grocery store but I'm afraid he'll deliver everything while I'm gone - and not only is it below zero here, it just seems wrong to leave something that expensive stuck between the screen door.

I am also freaking out a little because I know that when those drugs arrive, it will really finally and totally be real. I've been waiting for this to get started for SO long but it still freaks me out.

Next post: obligatory photo of my crazy-lady drugs!